Thursday, January 27, 2011

Ups and Downs

Tonight was an interesting night. I was urged by a friend to break off a relationship I had been neglecting for at least 2 weeks, maybe more. I feel many simultaneous feelings common with a breakup. Was it the right decision? Was it just not meant to be or was I not open enough to the idea of being happy with someone?

On the whole I am mostly relieved. I had realized (or made the decision depending on how you look at it) a while ago that things probably weren't going to progress much further, so continuing on would have just been cruel to the other party. It's always unfortunate when you have to let go of someone just because they aren't perfect for you even though they are damn near perfect in many other ways and probably more kind than 98% of the population.

I'm currently having urges to reach out to him and tell him that I will not forget how kind he was to me, but I know that would only be for my benefit and what he needs right now is to be left alone and not further confused. So I will leave it be and swim in my thoughts for the days to come.

This aside, I had a very pleasant evening. The date preceding the breakup was jovial and we took a walk in yet another blizzard. Snow in New York can only be appreciated as it first falls. My favorite part is how silent everything becomes. There was also lightening which created some kind of northern lights effect. The sky was purple, I swear.

I did a guided meditation tonight (30mins) courtesy of my friend Virginia (thanks lady). I found it very helpful and it definitely did not feel like 30 minutes. I could have done with a little less talking because I became so focused so quickly that the leader's voice was a bit startling after moments of silence (I may have had the volume up to high). I plan to try out the others Virginia sent as well as do this one again, although I would still like to continue on my own some days. I was very comforted by the thoughts in Yoga Journal about being able to practice anywhere and not needing anything but yourself. There is a certain fulfillment I take away from a successful self-guided meditation that is different from when I attend temple or listen on the computer. It's almost the same as going on a long distance run alone in the mountains and attending a really awesome spin class. Both are fantastic and beneficial, but I would never want to be exclusive to either.

- made a painful decision that was ultimately for the best
- hung out with both roommates a little tonight
- feel I progressed in tonight's meditation
- kept strong sense of compassion for other's throughout the day
- Henry is really funny in the snow


1 comment:

  1. Glad the guided meditations worked out for you. I had the same problem with them the first few times I'd listen. I'd be tuned in to my breath and then he's speak and I'd jump. Heh.

    Now, after a few listens to the same ones, I've gotten accustomed to the patterns in the words and am not jumpy any more.

    Sorry to hear that your breakup was a little tough, but sounds like it was a lot better than it could have been. You know?

    Meditated last night. Made it through one of the shorter guided meditations, and I don't think I had it in me to go much further. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it.