Happy New Year

Found this image on Google (have you heard of it?)!

Hi folks. My blog presence really dropped off the last three months of 2011 huh? I intended to get in at least a couple posts before the official end of this little "project", but it just didn't happen. The good news is; I've decided to continue chronicling my attempts at leading a more peaceful/wisdom-ous existence for the foreseeable future.

Stay tuned for my recap on 2011 and some new goals for 2012.

Laters!

Today's Highs- because we all need some

I took at look at this blog today and thought, "this blog could use a little pick-me-up!"

So, here goes, the long ignored high list:

- I'm writing a blog post
- I'm going to Vietnam in less than 8 weeks :)
- I didn't freak out when I took the wrong train today
- A coworker brought me some tea she thought I would like
- All of my loved ones are healthy and safe
- I had enough downtime at work today to bring you this post
- My Grandmother is 70 today!

Laters!

Summer Sunset

How is August almost over? I have no idea. This month has gone incredibly fast for me. It always seems to be that way when summer is ending.

Lots of change over here (or just one big one). My boyfriend and I moved in together and man, I was NOT prepared for what an adjustment it would be. For the past three and a half years, I've lived in apartment that was (for the most part) governed by me. I had roommates, but they were rarely home. Also, nearly everything in the main living space was mine, arranged the way I wanted it. My roommates called me, "Mom".

Despite all of these obvious clues, I really had no idea how much I rely on things being exactly (EXACTLY) the way I expect them to be, so living with someone (who I am sharing everything with) has been incredibly stressful for me because I can't always have my way.

Things that have caused significant stress for me:

- the lights in the living room being too bright
- my boyfriend placing an item on my vanity that DOES NOT GO THERE
- buying feta cheese when there is no clear plan for use of it
- the possibility of a zucchini going bad

I sound like a real peach, I know.

Goal for September: Chill the fuck out and enjoy this stage of my life.

Zen Wednesday 07.20.11

For today's Zen post I'd like to talk about a book I've just started called Wherever you go, there you are written by Jon Kabat-Zinn (given to be me by the all wisdomessful, Virginia). Now, I have only gotten like one chapter into the book, but this is what I've taken from it so far: if we can focus on the present moment, being a good person, being happy, etc., then each moment will add up to the sum of our lives, equalling overall pleasantness. Yay!

A Fun zen story to go along with this concept (found it here):

One day while walking through the wilderness a man stumbled upon a vicious tiger. He ran but soon came to the edge of a high cliff. Desperate to save himself, he climbed down a vine and dangled over the fatal precipice. As he hung there, two mice appeared from a hole in the cliff and began gnawing on the vine. Suddenly, he noticed on the vine a plump wild strawberry. He plucked it and popped it in his mouth. It was incredibly delicious!


Another way to look at the idea of living in the moment is a lesson I took away from one of the most depressing movies out there, The Hours; there is a scene where one of the characters is talking with her daughter (I think) and she's talking about when she was young and fantasized about the future thinking "I'm so close to happiness". She then says, "I never stopped to think, that was happiness". Or something like that. I always really liked that scene.

Laters!

Zen Wednesday

I've talked about this book a bit, so I thought I'd share a little zen story from it, that I found particularly impactful. So, Happy Zen Wednesday everyone!

Mid-year Thoughts

I am halfway through the year and have only maintained one of the original goals I set, which is to give a spontaneous gift once a month.


Spontaneous gifting has been surprisingly easy to integrate into my routine. Perhaps gift giving isn't that hard for some of you, but for me it seems to take so much effort. I'm always worried about the actual gift itself, is it good enough? will they like it? does it convey what I want it to? I get really caught up in the social pressures and then there is the deadline, which I never make. Even as I'm typing this I literally just remembered I meant to get my Stepdad a Father's Day gift and give it to my mother to pass along when she was a couple of weekends ago. See what I mean? For some reason, the pressure of gift giving turns me into a total flake.


I think I have stumbled upon the key to my success with the spontaneous gifts; they are spontaneous! No deadline and no pressure because any present when you're not expecting it's awesome, right? As for the rest of my goals, let's review:


Meditate everyday (for at least 10 minutes and work up)

Yeah... not quite, but I have kept up somewhat of a habit to the point where I can feel pretty confident I won't be giving up anytime soon. I don't think there has been an entire week where I haven't meditated. Do I wish I would meditate more? Yes, but I'm still pleased with the progress I've made. 

Gym/Exercise at least 3 days a week 

Again, no... I am pretty troubled by this one, just because I have always been a person who has been able to make time to exercise regularly and I have really dropped off in this area. The only exercise I've gotten in the past two months has been riding my bike a couple of days a week. A lot of that is due to my foot being injured, which stinks because there isn't much I can do about that, but the other issue is that I allowed myself to get out of the habit and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to reinstate the gym into my routine. 

Go to Temple once a month

I have been once....In January.... Yeah... 

Complete a Buddhist reading weekly

Very close on this one. I have some blogs I visit regularly and I often return to my books. I highly recommend keeping up a reading routine in conjunction with meditation. 

Daily high postings

I determined this to be ineffective on the blog. Honestly I get more out of the practice when it can be shared live with a group of people. Maybe I will try to introduce it during lunch at work? 


In conclusion, I'm not doing as well as I had hoped, but I am doing better than I expected. I'm looking forward to seeing where the rest of this year takes me. I don't know if this project is completely responsible, maybe it's just part of getting older, but the way I feel about life, (particularly my idea of success) is slowly changing. While I think this is a great thing, I did not expect this much confusion to accompany it. 


Many days I'm struggling for the same reasons I always have, but there are other days when I struggle as a direct result of changing...for the better, which is soooo weird. I didn't expect that. Which is silly to say, but I guess I thought the only issues I would have were the same old comfortable familiar issues. Well, that was not and is not the case. Opening up my mind to change involves being vulnerable and going into really dark places and accepting everything. Which has been tough. However, I'm still convinced that I'm becoming more peaceful and perhaps spreading a little peace as well. In my opinion, totally worth it. 

Possibly Back on Track

I was able to get in some reading last night. I know I wasn't very specific about how I've been feeling in my post yesterday, but it's really just the same old crap that everyone goes through, just feeling bored with life and totally overwhelmed with it at the same time. "What is it all for?" type thoughts and feeling like I'm stuck in the movie Groundhog Day. It's nothing new, but it's really annoying and I fall right back into those negative thinking patterns surprisingly fast. The whole point of this project is to phase those thought patterns out and lead a more effective and connected life, so here I am, still a work in progress.

Progress definitely took place yesterday when in spite of being at work until 1:30am, I carved out a little time for myself to do some Buddhist reading. I've also been taking all the little chores I've been meaning to do in my house and breaking them up into little manageable pieces. The only rule is that I have to do at least one thing a night, no matter how late it is. It helps me feel like I'm I still in control of life even when I'm really busy.

We'll see how tomorrow goes, but I'm hoping to get myself back to a regular meditation schedule in the next couple of weeks.

I'd also like to start seriously assessing some key factors about my chosen lifestyle. I've been feeling bored/discontent about some things, but I'm tired of only considering major life decisions in the moment (usually when things aren't going well), as more of a fantasy than an actual thought out plan. I'd like to give myself a period of time and weigh everything when it's not brought about by any particular frustration. That's it for now.

Laters!

I've Hit a Wall

I'm just not feeling life lately people. And for the first time all year I've gotten completely out of the habit of meditating to the point where I totally forget about even thinking about meditating. It's not working for me. I fee like crap, I'm lethargic, I'm questioning the meaning of everything and concluding that everything is pointless and dumb and dumb and stupid. I am the emotional equivalent of a 10 year old right now.

What am I going to do about it? Not sure yet. I don't want to stop this project, so I need to get back on the wagon and I need to do it quickly because my mother is coming into town on Thursday and staying at my house, which means I'll get no personal time for three days straight. The pressure to be mentally recovered by Thursday isn't helping, so we're not going to think about that...

Starting small, goal for tonight is, do some Buddhist study, i.e. read a book, online article, podcast, meditation, SOMETHING.

I'll check in tomorrow.

Bad Bad Buddhist

I have been a pretty terrible buddhist the past two weeks. I have mediated about two times. I also lost my iPhone and I got way more upset about it than I should have. The ownership of that iPhone was way too mixed from the beginning due to the pressures I received from work to "be more available" and how uncomfortable I felt carrying around something that was worth so much money. Also, realizing how attached to this device I had become was really sad.

Why I didn't get insurance on it (it's only $10 a month), I'm not too sure. It probably had something to do with the fact that I ordered it in the middle of the night (the second it went on sale) and therefore wasn't thinking too clearly. Also, I am cheap and was buying something I couldn't really afford.

Anywho, I left it in a cab and the GPS tracked it to the drop off point of the passenger after me. Considering I haven't heard from her, I'm guessing she's decided she's going to keep it. Replacing it will cost me more than double what I paid for it originally, so yeah, we're going to wait on that. The thing is, now I no longer have an iPod or a camera, as I got rid of both items when I purchased the iPhone...

Good times. I need to meditate.

P.S. I realize this is no actual tragedy, which makes me wasting so much time fretting over it all the more annoying. I'll work on that. But for the record, I'm really grateful that everyone I know and love is currently safe and healthy.

Laters!

Naturally Optimistic?

Happy June everyone!


Wanted to check in and share my thoughts on an interesting article I read yesterday that sort of ties in with this blog. The article was taken from a book called The Optismism Bias  which argues that studies of the brain and human behavior conclude humans are hardwired to be irrationally optimistic.


The article brings up examples, such as the fact that 50% of marriages fail, yet people believe their's will succeed and it points out that most people believe their future will be better than things are currently. According the the author, there is a portion of our brain that has evolved to make us think this way. The theory is that humans needed to believe they could accomplish things in order actually go out and try to make progress. We need to believe the future will be better, we need to believe we can achieve greatness. Wouldn't this just be living in a fantasyland and not actually living? 

Sharot briefly touches on the fantasyland question in the article (perhaps more in the book) by saying, "knowledge is key I believe knowledge is key. We are not born with an innate understanding of our biases. The brain's illusions have to be identified by careful scientific observation and controlled experiments and then communicated to the rest of us. Once we are made aware of our optimistic illusions, we can act to protect ourselves."

Sharot ultimately ends by saying, "It is possible, then, to strike a balance, to believe we will stay healthy, but get medical insurance anyway; to be certain the sun will shine, but grab an umbrella on our way out — just in case. "

I like what is said about the importance of observation and how its better to be aware of our biases, but what does all this imply about being mindful and living in the moment? Are we biologically incapable of doing so? Are we hardwired to constantly consider the future, all the things we're going to do, all the people we're going to be?


I'd like to think not. And I think many people have proven this isn't true. However, I think this article points out that our culture is still largely designed this way because the idea of "living in the moment" never even comes up in the article.


I may have mentioned this before, but life as a person who is learning to think differently than the majority, can be incredibly challenging. I feel simultaneously intrigued yet annoyed by the points made. I think it's an interesting article, but it doesn't address mindfulness, so I feel it's incomplete. 


I've felt this way about many things since taking on buddhist beliefs. Has anyone else had a similar experience? 


P.S. If you read the article, be sure to check out the comments sections. People's reactions are perhaps more interesting than the article itself. 


Laters!

I'm angry, grrr

Happy Monday folks! I have have meditated every day since I last checked in with the exception of last night. Yesterday was a tough day for me. A time when I should have meditated, but just didn't.

Since my last post, I did manage to increase my reading time and I was feeling like I was finally starting to hit my stride in regards to dealing with the bf being out of town and for the most part unavailable to me. I did a lot of reading on anger and discovered that was my main issue. I was so angry just because I had to be in a situation I didn't want to be in; my boyfriend being half way across the world. I realized that I just needed to practice patience and everything would be fine. I also realized that waiting around for him to chat me and checking the internet every two seconds was just making me more angry because his availability was totally out of my control. I made a conscious decision to be less attached to the computer/phone and I was feeling better. I was feeling a lot more accepting of our situation. I was feeling like I could handle it.

And then Saturday happened. My boyfriend was having a more difficult time dealing with things than I was. I tried so hard not to get angry and I think I did a decent job of being there for him, but it was so frustrating to feel guilty for having a rational mindset.

By Sunday morning I totally gave into all the negative thoughts and just sat around feeling sorry for myself all day. I can't blame my boyfriend for this (although it would be easy to do so) because I allowed his actions and irrational thoughts to affect me in this way. Today was better, but ultimately I'm still feeling weak minded and I'm concerned about facing his next trip, which will be even longer.

For now I'm going to try to focus on the positive (he's back for a bit on Wednesday) and continue to dissect my anger, which I can hopefully learn to combat with patience.

I'd like to discuss the anger reading I've been doing more in depth and less in the context of my specific situation soon. I will try my best to share a post with you this week.

Laters!

Yup..Still Distracted

My meditations still aren't going well. I'm totally unfocused. I'm going to make an effort to do more Buddhist readings because I'm feeling distanced from my practice at the moment. I'm still going through the motions, but I'm not getting much out of it, so in my opinion, this means I need to increase my efforts. It kind of stinks that I can't do a Yoga class right now due to the foot, but perhaps I can do a few poses from home?

I'd also really like to get back to the meditation center this weekend, but I may be working on Sunday, which unfortunately takes that decision out of my hands.

Hope everyone else is having a great week. Sorry if I sound like a downer. I promise I'm fine, I'm just having a really hard time staying mindful lately.

So Distracted

I've been incredibly anxious every other dayish since my boyfriend left town about two weeks ago. I'm causing a lot of suffering (mostly for myself) because I'm having a really hard time accepting that my boyfriend is out traveling the world and I am here in New York, continuing my normal routine. My life is by no means bad and there are a lot of things I'm really enjoying now that the weather has perked up. However, compared to being in a different country every day and having countless new experiences, my life seems pretty dull. When he asks me what's new, I feel incredibly overwhelmed because there's nothing I can say that's going to even compare to whatever he's been up to.  


It's also frustrating to miss someone and believe that the only thing that's going to make you feel better is to be with that person. In my head I'm really happy that he's traveling and so much about what he's doing makes me care for him even more, but I have days where I don't care about him "bettering himself" and I just want him to be here with me. It's incredibly selfish, I know, and no one ever died from missing someone (well, that dog in Where the Red Fern Grows), but I'm kind of sucking at not moping. 


My meditations are becoming times for my mind to wonder. I'm trying really hard to stay focused and to mentally prepare myself for the next week and a half (before he comes back and then leaves for another two months). The only thing I can do right now is stay as calm as possible and try not take out my self-cherishing on anyone else.


Hopefully this week will be better. 


Laters!

Why it's important to observe your own behavior

The other day, a coworker and I ordered dinner from the office. While I was ordering, the coworker asked me to add a seaweed salad to his order. I did and then when the food came, we ate, it was delicious. However, when I went to through my take out containers away, I noticed that my coworker had barely touched his seaweed salad.

For at least a good 5 seconds I was personally offended by this. I had ordered that seaweed salad for him and he just threw it away?! Luckily, I caught myself and was like, "Wait a second, why am I taking this so personally? I had nothing to do with that seaweed salad. Why should I be offended if he didn't like it? Plus, maybe he was just full."

This is a great example of why being mindful can be so beneficial. The more I thought about this what happened, the more I realized, I do this all the time. People have told me before that I take things too personally and I sometimes agree, but after this incident with the seaweed salad, I think they may have been right, let's say, I dunno... a 100% of the time?

The smallest interactions can shed light on some of our most deeply ingrained habits. Stay mindful folks, it helps.

Laters!

Ehhh

Today was a difficult day for all sorts of silly reasons. I woke up really late and then wasted a good amount of time trying to find an outfit that goes with my aircast. RANT: Nothing goes with an aircast except maybe another aircast or a robot or a Storm Trooper costume. Yeah, my foot has a stress fracture. Did I do anything to it, not really, but I did ignore it for longer than I should have and ran on it when it was clearly swollen. And oh yeah, I choose to wear sandals all day at Disney World because yes, I would rather have a broken foot than wear running sneakers with jean shorts. Anywho live and learn, because now I get to wear one sneaker and one robo-boot for 3 weeks minimum. Can anyone say, yay for health insurance?!

Ok, moving on. I was very late for work as in 40 minutes late, so I could say the tardiness set me off on the wrong foot, but really I just didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning. I had one of those days where I felt down about any minor setback. When I got home I almost felt too overwhelmed to do anything, but I put on some music and cleaned my closet instead. I originally wanted to meditate, but I had to accept that my dog was really excited to see me and trying to meditate right then would have only caused me to become very irritated with my dog. I consider it positive that I was able to see this in advance and accept that I could not "fix" my mood right then.

I later did a breathing meditation for fifteen minutes and it was helpful, but not as focused as I would have preferred. Hopefully tomorrows will be better.

Laters!

An Interesting Week

I'm not sure how to verbalize my thoughts and feelings about this past week. I've been feeling a lot of emotion, but my mindset has remained unexpectedly peaceful.

I've thought a lot about loss and how it is generally experienced as a negative emotion. We try to make sense of loss by putting a positive spin on it. When someone dies we say things like "at least they aren't suffering anymore" and "they are in a better place". When we lose a partner or close friend we say "we're better off not in each other's lives" or "they weren't so great anyway". However, I think most would agree, we still suffer. I'm not sure if something in me has fundamentally changed, but I feel a lot more at peace with loss in general.

What I mean is, when I think of those I have lost I still feel "loss", but I can accept it as simply a part of life no different than any other aspect of life.

Loss is OK and holding onto that sad feeling we know as loss doesn't help anyone. Prolonged suffering does not give the lost person/relationship/item more meaning and letting these emotions go does not mean you never cared.

I wish I could explain myself better, but all I can really say is the death of Bin Laden and all the various reactions, juxtaposed with events in my own life (that have renewed emotions of personal loss), have me reflecting on all of the above.

For those who are curious, my meditations have been an average of 3 or so times a week over the past three weeks. I remain mindful and plan to get back to daily meditation and posting this week.

I'm Still Alive

Hello all, I'm back from vacation, but I haven't gotten my life sorted just yet. I'll be back to regular blogging by next week, promise.

Until then, [insert zen phrase of your choice here].

Laters!

I'm totally that girl

The one who stops taking her medicine when she's feeling good even though the medicine is the reason she's feeling good. Yeah... so after a great January (due to practicing everyday) and then slacking off into February and March, I am finally feeling like I'm back to where I was at the start of this project. I am back to being mindful for most of the day, every day (or at least being mindful enough to remind myself to be mindful..?). What this means for me is that when I'm faced with all the little overwhelming hurtles in life, I know how to deal. 

Example: 

Late late for work 2 weeks ago: 

I woke up late and instead of getting up and getting ready I decided to panic and lay in bed for longer, therefore making the situation worse and becoming even more overwhelmed. It was not fun and it was totally unnecessary because when I got to work no one had died or even cared I was running late. 

Late for work this morning:

I took a moment, set a realistic time to leave for work (based off of when I finally got out of bed), and just accepted that I would be a few minutes late. When I got to work no one had died or even cared I was running late. 

It's hard to admit sometimes, but so much of life is completely based on how you choose to react to things. 

I hope everyone is having a drama free week!

Not Quite As Planned

Friday and Saturday I got a little too into vacation mode (see above photo of my really cute dog and the strange man holding him ;) and completely forgot to meditate. Ooops. The weather was really nice and it was just one of those weekends where you have zero plans/obligations. I did do a guided mediation last night though, so yay me :) 

I'm leaving town on Friday for an R&R type vacation, cruise line style. I'm very excited because I have not taken a lazy vacation in a very long time. I'm also really pumped for warm weather. Ask any New Yorker and this has been the longest winter EVER. 

My plans are to continue practicing while away, but I will not be blogging because: 

1. the wifi on the boat costs extra 

2. my laptop is heavy and old 

3. I want to be as lazy as possible next week

I'm also going to set up some automated posts in the form of a "Buddha for Beginners" series. A few people have asked me where to begin, so I'm going to do my best to answer that question. If any of you out there have specific questions and/or advice please email me or comment and I'll include your input. 

Laters!

A Zen Lesson of Sorts

Wednesday night's meditation was unremarkable. Some of the time I was into it and some of the time I wasn't. I had the hot flashes again, so strange. Thursday night I took the easy way out and did a guided 5 minute. Now I must say, I really find this particular 5 minute meditation extremely beneficial for a few reasons:

1. I keep it on my iPod and can use it to meditate discretely on the go

2. It's so short that there is zero pressure/anxiety and I often find myself getting in the groove pretty quickly

3. It's a very basic breathing meditation, very easy to follow/digest

Sometimes, after completing the 5 minute guided meditation I will continue to meditate on my own afterwards. This might be a good thing for beginners to try as well. Pick a low-pressure, short, guided meditation and then continue on your own for a few minutes, only if you're feeling it. I often do this with running as well. I will tell myself I'm running 2 miles (easy to me) and when I get to two miles, if I'm feeling good, I'll just keep going. This method works for me because if I only do two miles I've met my goal, but I also have room to push myself without being disappointed in myself for NOT doing more. 

My point is, I find that I often end up accomplishing more when I don't place a lot of expectations on myself because I actually focus on the task rather than all the hype surrounding the task. For instance with a shorter meditation, instead of thinking "OMG, I have to sit here for 40 MINUTES??" I'm just focusing on breathing because for me, 5 minutes is nothing. I guess, my point is, a lot of barriers are in our heads, so this way of thinking may be a good approach for times when you find the expectations you've placed upon yourself overwhelming.  

I'm not saying don't ever shoot for the stars, but it's ok to set easily achievable goals if the alternative is avoiding the task altogether. That doesn't make you lazy or a bad person or less motivated, it just makes you human, which is what we all are ultimately. This can be hard to remember when we constantly allow other people's ideas of us (and our own) to control our behavior. 

I read a zen story the other night about a wave who was sad he wasn't as big of a wave as all the other waves. He was mopey and sad and down on him self :(

But then another wave came along and reminded him that he was not a wave, he was actually water.  

I thought that was cool. 

If you're still with me, what I'm trying to say is try not to define yourself as a good employee or a good son/daughter, or whatever. Try to simply be a good human. When I do this I usually find that the other things fall in line. 

Laters!