Monday, May 23, 2011

I'm angry, grrr

Happy Monday folks! I have have meditated every day since I last checked in with the exception of last night. Yesterday was a tough day for me. A time when I should have meditated, but just didn't.

Since my last post, I did manage to increase my reading time and I was feeling like I was finally starting to hit my stride in regards to dealing with the bf being out of town and for the most part unavailable to me. I did a lot of reading on anger and discovered that was my main issue. I was so angry just because I had to be in a situation I didn't want to be in; my boyfriend being half way across the world. I realized that I just needed to practice patience and everything would be fine. I also realized that waiting around for him to chat me and checking the internet every two seconds was just making me more angry because his availability was totally out of my control. I made a conscious decision to be less attached to the computer/phone and I was feeling better. I was feeling a lot more accepting of our situation. I was feeling like I could handle it.

And then Saturday happened. My boyfriend was having a more difficult time dealing with things than I was. I tried so hard not to get angry and I think I did a decent job of being there for him, but it was so frustrating to feel guilty for having a rational mindset.

By Sunday morning I totally gave into all the negative thoughts and just sat around feeling sorry for myself all day. I can't blame my boyfriend for this (although it would be easy to do so) because I allowed his actions and irrational thoughts to affect me in this way. Today was better, but ultimately I'm still feeling weak minded and I'm concerned about facing his next trip, which will be even longer.

For now I'm going to try to focus on the positive (he's back for a bit on Wednesday) and continue to dissect my anger, which I can hopefully learn to combat with patience.

I'd like to discuss the anger reading I've been doing more in depth and less in the context of my specific situation soon. I will try my best to share a post with you this week.


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