1. Her first encounter with sex in nearly nine months was so horrible.
2. I did not have my own awkward neighbor story.
It wasn't until several days later that I realized I do have my own neighbor story:
It was fall semester 2006, when everyone still called me katiep and it didn't occur to me to mind...
I had befriended my neighbor and we had made a habit of hanging out in the early am after all the bars had closed. One night we were at my place just chatting in the living room. I was on the couch and he was across the room in a chair, when all of the sudden he gets up and climbs over the back side of the couch placing his body in between me and the back side of the couch. We were now in a spooning. I thought to myself, "what the fuck is this? A sneak attack cuddle?" Couldn't he just be a normal guy and just rub my leg? I mean did he really have to press his whole body against mine? That's just creepy.
A little stunned, I just lie there praying for some excuse to get up. And then my my savior came in the form of a phone call from my roommate asking me to pick her up (thank god). I left to get my roommate and as a result cuddles had to go home (shucks).
While driving in my car I received several text messages from cuddles saying things like, "are you back yet?" and "let's hang when you get back". I texted him back saying that I was pretty tired and was headed to bed.
After my roommate and I returned, I went to bed immediately for fear of him coming back over and trying another one of his terribly awkward and not sexy AT ALL moves.
As Nemo(you know, the clown fish) and I snuggled into my delicious bed and started to drift off, I heard my door open and someone enter my apartment. Assuming it was my other roommate I didn't pay much attention. Then , I heard a knock at my door...still thinking it was my roommate I said, "yes?"
Now many of you may be wondering why I would just lay there in bed as someone enters my apartment and then my room, but keep in mind, this was Virginia and this type of thing is much more common in Virginia. People are lazy and an unafraid. We will risk anything to stay cozy in our beds (or at least I will) And no, we don't lock our doors. And if we do, there's a copy right under the mat, guaranteed.
So anyway, my door opens and who is there, but cuddles, in the flesh. Apparently, he thought it was appropriate to come into someone's house and into their bedroom (when the lights were off) at 3 in the god-damn morning. The following is the conversation that ensued. In the dark:
Not knowing what else to say, I said, "can i help you?"
"Were you asleep?"
"Do you like to cuddle? I mean do you want to cuddle?"
I thought to myself, "I know you do."
But then replied, "I'm going to go ahead and say no...but thanks."
"But I just want to hold you and get to know you better, I swear."
"I think you lost that right when you came into my house and into my room uninvited, can you please leave?"
Cuddles tried a few more times after that before, finally getting the hint when I started locking my door. Our relationship ended somewhat anti-climatically months later when I realized he had unfriended me on facebook.