Annie Mall

Happy New Year

2012-01-08T19:06:00.000-05:00

Found this image on Google (have you heard of it?)!

Hi folks. My blog presence really dropped off the last three months of 2011 huh? I intended to get in at least a couple posts before the official end of this little "project", but it just didn't happen. The good news is; I've decided to continue chronicling my attempts at leading a more peaceful/wisdom-ous existence for the foreseeable future.

Stay tuned for my recap on 2011 and some new goals for 2012.

Laters!

Today's Highs- because we all need some

2011-09-20T13:11:00.000-04:00

I took at look at this blog today and thought, "this blog could use a little pick-me-up!"

So, here goes, the long ignored high list:

- I'm writing a blog post
- I'm going to Vietnam in less than 8 weeks :)
- I didn't freak out when I took the wrong train today
- A coworker brought me some tea she thought I would like
- All of my loved ones are healthy and safe
- I had enough downtime at work today to bring you this post
- My Grandmother is 70 today!

Laters!

Summer Sunset

2011-08-24T17:21:00.000-04:00

How is August almost over? I have no idea. This month has gone incredibly fast for me. It always seems to be that way when summer is ending.

Lots of change over here (or just one big one). My boyfriend and I moved in together and man, I was NOT prepared for what an adjustment it would be. For the past three and a half years, I've lived in apartment that was (for the most part) governed by me. I had roommates, but they were rarely home. Also, nearly everything in the main living space was mine, arranged the way I wanted it. My roommates called me, "Mom".

Despite all of these obvious clues, I really had no idea how much I rely on things being exactly (EXACTLY) the way I expect them to be, so living with someone (who I am sharing everything with) has been incredibly stressful for me because I can't always have my way.

Things that have caused significant stress for me:

- the lights in the living room being too bright
- my boyfriend placing an item on my vanity that DOES NOT GO THERE
- buying feta cheese when there is no clear plan for use of it
- the possibility of a zucchini going bad

I sound like a real peach, I know.

Goal for September: Chill the fuck out and enjoy this stage of my life.

Zen Wednesday 07.20.11

2011-07-20T12:00:00.000-04:00

For today's Zen post I'd like to talk about a book I've just started called Wherever you go, there you are written by Jon Kabat-Zinn (given to be me by the all wisdomessful, Virginia). Now, I have only gotten like one chapter into the book, but this is what I've taken from it so far: if we can focus on the present moment, being a good person, being happy, etc., then each moment will add up to the sum of our lives, equalling overall pleasantness. Yay!

A Fun zen story to go along with this concept (found it here):

One day while walking through the wilderness a man stumbled upon a vicious tiger. He ran but soon came to the edge of a high cliff. Desperate to save himself, he climbed down a vine and dangled over the fatal precipice. As he hung there, two mice appeared from a hole in the cliff and began gnawing on the vine. Suddenly, he noticed on the vine a plump wild strawberry. He plucked it and popped it in his mouth. It was incredibly delicious!

Another way to look at the idea of living in the moment is a lesson I took away from one of the most depressing movies out there, The Hours; there is a scene where one of the characters is talking with her daughter (I think) and she's talking about when she was young and fantasized about the future thinking "I'm so close to happiness". She then says, "I never stopped to think, that was happiness". Or something like that. I always really liked that scene.

Laters!

Zen Wednesday

2011-07-13T14:30:00.000-04:00

I've talked about this book a bit, so I thought I'd share a little zen story from it, that I found particularly impactful. So, Happy Zen Wednesday everyone!

Mid-year Thoughts

2011-07-06T22:06:00.002-04:00

I am halfway through the year and have only maintained one of the original goals I set, which is to give a spontaneous gift once a month.

Spontaneous gifting has been surprisingly easy to integrate into my routine. Perhaps gift giving isn't that hard for some of you, but for me it seems to take so much effort. I'm always worried about the actual gift itself, is it good enough? will they like it? does it convey what I want it to? I get really caught up in the social pressures and then there is the deadline, which I never make. Even as I'm typing this I literally just remembered I meant to get my Stepdad a Father's Day gift and give it to my mother to pass along when she was a couple of weekends ago. See what I mean? For some reason, the pressure of gift giving turns me into a total flake.

I think I have stumbled upon the key to my success with the spontaneous gifts; they are spontaneous! No deadline and no pressure because any present when you're not expecting it's awesome, right? As for the rest of my goals, let's review:

Meditate everyday (for at least 10 minutes and work up)

Yeah... not quite, but I have kept up somewhat of a habit to the point where I can feel pretty confident I won't be giving up anytime soon. I don't think there has been an entire week where I haven't meditated. Do I wish I would meditate more? Yes, but I'm still pleased with the progress I've made.

Gym/Exercise at least 3 days a week

Again, no... I am pretty troubled by this one, just because I have always been a person who has been able to make time to exercise regularly and I have really dropped off in this area. The only exercise I've gotten in the past two months has been riding my bike a couple of days a week. A lot of that is due to my foot being injured, which stinks because there isn't much I can do about that, but the other issue is that I allowed myself to get out of the habit and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to reinstate the gym into my routine.

Go to Temple once a month

I have been once....In January.... Yeah...

Complete a Buddhist reading weekly

Very close on this one. I have some blogs I visit regularly and I often return to my books. I highly recommend keeping up a reading routine in conjunction with meditation.

Daily high postings

I determined this to be ineffective on the blog. Honestly I get more out of the practice when it can be shared live with a group of people. Maybe I will try to introduce it during lunch at work?

In conclusion, I'm not doing as well as I had hoped, but I am doing better than I expected. I'm looking forward to seeing where the rest of this year takes me. I don't know if this project is completely responsible, maybe it's just part of getting older, but the way I feel about life, (particularly my idea of success) is slowly changing. While I think this is a great thing, I did not expect this much confusion to accompany it.

Many days I'm struggling for the same reasons I always have, but there are other days when I struggle as a direct result of changing...for the better, which is soooo weird. I didn't expect that. Which is silly to say, but I guess I thought the only issues I would have were the same old comfortable familiar issues. Well, that was not and is not the case. Opening up my mind to change involves being vulnerable and going into really dark places and accepting everything. Which has been tough. However, I'm still convinced that I'm becoming more peaceful and perhaps spreading a little peace as well. In my opinion, totally worth it.

Possibly Back on Track

2011-06-22T01:03:00.000-04:00

I was able to get in some reading last night. I know I wasn't very specific about how I've been feeling in my post yesterday, but it's really just the same old crap that everyone goes through, just feeling bored with life and totally overwhelmed with it at the same time. "What is it all for?" type thoughts and feeling like I'm stuck in the movie Groundhog Day. It's nothing new, but it's really annoying and I fall right back into those negative thinking patterns surprisingly fast. The whole point of this project is to phase those thought patterns out and lead a more effective and connected life, so here I am, still a work in progress.

Progress definitely took place yesterday when in spite of being at work until 1:30am, I carved out a little time for myself to do some Buddhist reading. I've also been taking all the little chores I've been meaning to do in my house and breaking them up into little manageable pieces. The only rule is that I have to do at least one thing a night, no matter how late it is. It helps me feel like I'm I still in control of life even when I'm really busy.

We'll see how tomorrow goes, but I'm hoping to get myself back to a regular meditation schedule in the next couple of weeks.

I'd also like to start seriously assessing some key factors about my chosen lifestyle. I've been feeling bored/discontent about some things, but I'm tired of only considering major life decisions in the moment (usually when things aren't going well), as more of a fantasy than an actual thought out plan. I'd like to give myself a period of time and weigh everything when it's not brought about by any particular frustration. That's it for now.

Laters!

I've Hit a Wall

2011-06-20T16:26:00.000-04:00

I'm just not feeling life lately people. And for the first time all year I've gotten completely out of the habit of meditating to the point where I totally forget about even thinking about meditating. It's not working for me. I fee like crap, I'm lethargic, I'm questioning the meaning of everything and concluding that everything is pointless and dumb and dumb and stupid. I am the emotional equivalent of a 10 year old right now.

What am I going to do about it? Not sure yet. I don't want to stop this project, so I need to get back on the wagon and I need to do it quickly because my mother is coming into town on Thursday and staying at my house, which means I'll get no personal time for three days straight. The pressure to be mentally recovered by Thursday isn't helping, so we're not going to think about that...

Starting small, goal for tonight is, do some Buddhist study, i.e. read a book, online article, podcast, meditation, SOMETHING.

I'll check in tomorrow.

Bad Bad Buddhist

2011-06-12T23:48:00.000-04:00

I have been a pretty terrible buddhist the past two weeks. I have mediated about two times. I also lost my iPhone and I got way more upset about it than I should have. The ownership of that iPhone was way too mixed from the beginning due to the pressures I received from work to "be more available" and how uncomfortable I felt carrying around something that was worth so much money. Also, realizing how attached to this device I had become was really sad.

Why I didn't get insurance on it (it's only $10 a month), I'm not too sure. It probably had something to do with the fact that I ordered it in the middle of the night (the second it went on sale) and therefore wasn't thinking too clearly. Also, I am cheap and was buying something I couldn't really afford.

Anywho, I left it in a cab and the GPS tracked it to the drop off point of the passenger after me. Considering I haven't heard from her, I'm guessing she's decided she's going to keep it. Replacing it will cost me more than double what I paid for it originally, so yeah, we're going to wait on that. The thing is, now I no longer have an iPod or a camera, as I got rid of both items when I purchased the iPhone...

Good times. I need to meditate.

P.S. I realize this is no actual tragedy, which makes me wasting so much time fretting over it all the more annoying. I'll work on that. But for the record, I'm really grateful that everyone I know and love is currently safe and healthy.

Laters!

Naturally Optimistic?

2011-06-08T21:47:00.000-04:00

Happy June everyone!

Wanted to check in and share my thoughts on an interesting article I read yesterday that sort of ties in with this blog. The article was taken from a book called The Optismism Bias which argues that studies of the brain and human behavior conclude humans are hardwired to be irrationally optimistic.

The article brings up examples, such as the fact that 50% of marriages fail, yet people believe their's will succeed and it points out that most people believe their future will be better than things are currently. According the the author, there is a portion of our brain that has evolved to make us think this way. The theory is that humans needed to believe they could accomplish things in order actually go out and try to make progress. We need to believe the future will be better, we need to believe we can achieve greatness. Wouldn't this just be living in a fantasyland and not actually living?

Sharot briefly touches on the fantasyland question in the article (perhaps more in the book) by saying, "knowledge is key I believe knowledge is key. We are not born with an innate understanding of our biases. The brain's illusions have to be identified by careful scientific observation and controlled experiments and then communicated to the rest of us. Once we are made aware of our optimistic illusions, we can act to protect ourselves."

Sharot ultimately ends by saying, "It is possible, then, to strike a balance, to believe we will stay healthy, but get medical insurance anyway; to be certain the sun will shine, but grab an umbrella on our way out — just in case. "

I like what is said about the importance of observation and how its better to be aware of our biases, but what does all this imply about being mindful and living in the moment? Are we biologically incapable of doing so? Are we hardwired to constantly consider the future, all the things we're going to do, all the people we're going to be?

I'd like to think not. And I think many people have proven this isn't true. However, I think this article points out that our culture is still largely designed this way because the idea of "living in the moment" never even comes up in the article.

I may have mentioned this before, but life as a person who is learning to think differently than the majority, can be incredibly challenging. I feel simultaneously intrigued yet annoyed by the points made. I think it's an interesting article, but it doesn't address mindfulness, so I feel it's incomplete.

I've felt this way about many things since taking on buddhist beliefs. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

P.S. If you read the article, be sure to check out the comments sections. People's reactions are perhaps more interesting than the article itself.

Laters!

I'm angry, grrr

2011-05-23T23:14:00.000-04:00

Happy Monday folks! I have have meditated every day since I last checked in with the exception of last night. Yesterday was a tough day for me. A time when I should have meditated, but just didn't.

Since my last post, I did manage to increase my reading time and I was feeling like I was finally starting to hit my stride in regards to dealing with the bf being out of town and for the most part unavailable to me. I did a lot of reading on anger and discovered that was my main issue. I was so angry just because I had to be in a situation I didn't want to be in; my boyfriend being half way across the world. I realized that I just needed to practice patience and everything would be fine. I also realized that waiting around for him to chat me and checking the internet every two seconds was just making me more angry because his availability was totally out of my control. I made a conscious decision to be less attached to the computer/phone and I was feeling better. I was feeling a lot more accepting of our situation. I was feeling like I could handle it.

And then Saturday happened. My boyfriend was having a more difficult time dealing with things than I was. I tried so hard not to get angry and I think I did a decent job of being there for him, but it was so frustrating to feel guilty for having a rational mindset.

By Sunday morning I totally gave into all the negative thoughts and just sat around feeling sorry for myself all day. I can't blame my boyfriend for this (although it would be easy to do so) because I allowed his actions and irrational thoughts to affect me in this way. Today was better, but ultimately I'm still feeling weak minded and I'm concerned about facing his next trip, which will be even longer.

For now I'm going to try to focus on the positive (he's back for a bit on Wednesday) and continue to dissect my anger, which I can hopefully learn to combat with patience.

I'd like to discuss the anger reading I've been doing more in depth and less in the context of my specific situation soon. I will try my best to share a post with you this week.

Laters!

Yup..Still Distracted

2011-05-17T23:49:00.000-04:00

My meditations still aren't going well. I'm totally unfocused. I'm going to make an effort to do more Buddhist readings because I'm feeling distanced from my practice at the moment. I'm still going through the motions, but I'm not getting much out of it, so in my opinion, this means I need to increase my efforts. It kind of stinks that I can't do a Yoga class right now due to the foot, but perhaps I can do a few poses from home?

I'd also really like to get back to the meditation center this weekend, but I may be working on Sunday, which unfortunately takes that decision out of my hands.

Hope everyone else is having a great week. Sorry if I sound like a downer. I promise I'm fine, I'm just having a really hard time staying mindful lately.

So Distracted

2011-05-15T23:55:00.000-04:00

I've been incredibly anxious every other dayish since my boyfriend left town about two weeks ago. I'm causing a lot of suffering (mostly for myself) because I'm having a really hard time accepting that my boyfriend is out traveling the world and I am here in New York, continuing my normal routine. My life is by no means bad and there are a lot of things I'm really enjoying now that the weather has perked up. However, compared to being in a different country every day and having countless new experiences, my life seems pretty dull. When he asks me what's new, I feel incredibly overwhelmed because there's nothing I can say that's going to even compare to whatever he's been up to.

It's also frustrating to miss someone and believe that the only thing that's going to make you feel better is to be with that person. In my head I'm really happy that he's traveling and so much about what he's doing makes me care for him even more, but I have days where I don't care about him "bettering himself" and I just want him to be here with me. It's incredibly selfish, I know, and no one ever died from missing someone (well, that dog in Where the Red Fern Grows), but I'm kind of sucking at not moping.

My meditations are becoming times for my mind to wonder. I'm trying really hard to stay focused and to mentally prepare myself for the next week and a half (before he comes back and then leaves for another two months). The only thing I can do right now is stay as calm as possible and try not take out my self-cherishing on anyone else.

Hopefully this week will be better.

Laters!

Why it's important to observe your own behavior

2011-05-14T20:49:00.000-04:00

The other day, a coworker and I ordered dinner from the office. While I was ordering, the coworker asked me to add a seaweed salad to his order. I did and then when the food came, we ate, it was delicious. However, when I went to through my take out containers away, I noticed that my coworker had barely touched his seaweed salad.

For at least a good 5 seconds I was personally offended by this. I had ordered that seaweed salad for him and he just threw it away?! Luckily, I caught myself and was like, "Wait a second, why am I taking this so personally? I had nothing to do with that seaweed salad. Why should I be offended if he didn't like it? Plus, maybe he was just full."

This is a great example of why being mindful can be so beneficial. The more I thought about this what happened, the more I realized, I do this all the time. People have told me before that I take things too personally and I sometimes agree, but after this incident with the seaweed salad, I think they may have been right, let's say, I dunno... a 100% of the time?

The smallest interactions can shed light on some of our most deeply ingrained habits. Stay mindful folks, it helps.

Laters!

Ehhh

2011-05-10T00:38:00.000-04:00

Today was a difficult day for all sorts of silly reasons. I woke up really late and then wasted a good amount of time trying to find an outfit that goes with my aircast. RANT: Nothing goes with an aircast except maybe another aircast or a robot or a Storm Trooper costume. Yeah, my foot has a stress fracture. Did I do anything to it, not really, but I did ignore it for longer than I should have and ran on it when it was clearly swollen. And oh yeah, I choose to wear sandals all day at Disney World because yes, I would rather have a broken foot than wear running sneakers with jean shorts. Anywho live and learn, because now I get to wear one sneaker and one robo-boot for 3 weeks minimum. Can anyone say, yay for health insurance?!

Ok, moving on. I was very late for work as in 40 minutes late, so I could say the tardiness set me off on the wrong foot, but really I just didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning. I had one of those days where I felt down about any minor setback. When I got home I almost felt too overwhelmed to do anything, but I put on some music and cleaned my closet instead. I originally wanted to meditate, but I had to accept that my dog was really excited to see me and trying to meditate right then would have only caused me to become very irritated with my dog. I consider it positive that I was able to see this in advance and accept that I could not "fix" my mood right then.

I later did a breathing meditation for fifteen minutes and it was helpful, but not as focused as I would have preferred. Hopefully tomorrows will be better.

Laters!

An Interesting Week

2011-05-09T00:28:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how to verbalize my thoughts and feelings about this past week. I've been feeling a lot of emotion, but my mindset has remained unexpectedly peaceful.

I've thought a lot about loss and how it is generally experienced as a negative emotion. We try to make sense of loss by putting a positive spin on it. When someone dies we say things like "at least they aren't suffering anymore" and "they are in a better place". When we lose a partner or close friend we say "we're better off not in each other's lives" or "they weren't so great anyway". However, I think most would agree, we still suffer. I'm not sure if something in me has fundamentally changed, but I feel a lot more at peace with loss in general.

What I mean is, when I think of those I have lost I still feel "loss", but I can accept it as simply a part of life no different than any other aspect of life.

Loss is OK and holding onto that sad feeling we know as loss doesn't help anyone. Prolonged suffering does not give the lost person/relationship/item more meaning and letting these emotions go does not mean you never cared.

I wish I could explain myself better, but all I can really say is the death of Bin Laden and all the various reactions, juxtaposed with events in my own life (that have renewed emotions of personal loss), have me reflecting on all of the above.

For those who are curious, my meditations have been an average of 3 or so times a week over the past three weeks. I remain mindful and plan to get back to daily meditation and posting this week.

I'm Still Alive

2011-04-29T00:07:00.000-04:00

Hello all, I'm back from vacation, but I haven't gotten my life sorted just yet. I'll be back to regular blogging by next week, promise.

Until then, [insert zen phrase of your choice here].

Laters!

I'm totally that girl

2011-04-14T11:36:00.000-04:00

The one who stops taking her medicine when she's feeling good even though the medicine is the reason she's feeling good. Yeah... so after a great January (due to practicing everyday) and then slacking off into February and March, I am finally feeling like I'm back to where I was at the start of this project. I am back to being mindful for most of the day, every day (or at least being mindful enough to remind myself to be mindful..?). What this means for me is that when I'm faced with all the little overwhelming hurtles in life, I know how to deal.

Example:

Late late for work 2 weeks ago:

I woke up late and instead of getting up and getting ready I decided to panic and lay in bed for longer, therefore making the situation worse and becoming even more overwhelmed. It was not fun and it was totally unnecessary because when I got to work no one had died or even cared I was running late.

Late for work this morning:

I took a moment, set a realistic time to leave for work (based off of when I finally got out of bed), and just accepted that I would be a few minutes late. When I got to work no one had died or even cared I was running late.

It's hard to admit sometimes, but so much of life is completely based on how you choose to react to things.

I hope everyone is having a drama free week!

Not Quite As Planned

2011-04-11T13:29:00.000-04:00

Friday and Saturday I got a little too into vacation mode (see above photo of my really cute dog and the strange man holding him ;) and completely forgot to meditate. Ooops. The weather was really nice and it was just one of those weekends where you have zero plans/obligations. I did do a guided mediation last night though, so yay me :)

I'm leaving town on Friday for an R&R type vacation, cruise line style. I'm very excited because I have not taken a lazy vacation in a very long time. I'm also really pumped for warm weather. Ask any New Yorker and this has been the longest winter EVER.

My plans are to continue practicing while away, but I will not be blogging because:

1. the wifi on the boat costs extra

2. my laptop is heavy and old

3. I want to be as lazy as possible next week

I'm also going to set up some automated posts in the form of a "Buddha for Beginners" series. A few people have asked me where to begin, so I'm going to do my best to answer that question. If any of you out there have specific questions and/or advice please email me or comment and I'll include your input.

Laters!

A Zen Lesson of Sorts

2011-04-08T16:42:00.000-04:00

Wednesday night's meditation was unremarkable. Some of the time I was into it and some of the time I wasn't. I had the hot flashes again, so strange. Thursday night I took the easy way out and did a guided 5 minute. Now I must say, I really find this particular 5 minute meditation extremely beneficial for a few reasons:

1. I keep it on my iPod and can use it to meditate discretely on the go

2. It's so short that there is zero pressure/anxiety and I often find myself getting in the groove pretty quickly

3. It's a very basic breathing meditation, very easy to follow/digest

Sometimes, after completing the 5 minute guided meditation I will continue to meditate on my own afterwards. This might be a good thing for beginners to try as well. Pick a low-pressure, short, guided meditation and then continue on your own for a few minutes, only if you're feeling it. I often do this with running as well. I will tell myself I'm running 2 miles (easy to me) and when I get to two miles, if I'm feeling good, I'll just keep going. This method works for me because if I only do two miles I've met my goal, but I also have room to push myself without being disappointed in myself for NOT doing more.

My point is, I find that I often end up accomplishing more when I don't place a lot of expectations on myself because I actually focus on the task rather than all the hype surrounding the task. For instance with a shorter meditation, instead of thinking "OMG, I have to sit here for 40 MINUTES??" I'm just focusing on breathing because for me, 5 minutes is nothing. I guess, my point is, a lot of barriers are in our heads, so this way of thinking may be a good approach for times when you find the expectations you've placed upon yourself overwhelming.

I'm not saying don't ever shoot for the stars, but it's ok to set easily achievable goals if the alternative is avoiding the task altogether. That doesn't make you lazy or a bad person or less motivated, it just makes you human, which is what we all are ultimately. This can be hard to remember when we constantly allow other people's ideas of us (and our own) to control our behavior.

I read a zen story the other night about a wave who was sad he wasn't as big of a wave as all the other waves. He was mopey and sad and down on him self :(

But then another wave came along and reminded him that he was not a wave, he was actually water.

I thought that was cool.

If you're still with me, what I'm trying to say is try not to define yourself as a good employee or a good son/daughter, or whatever. Try to simply be a good human. When I do this I usually find that the other things fall in line.

Laters!

I Needed That

2011-04-05T23:25:00.000-04:00

Tonight I listened to a :30 minute guided meditation on stress and anxiety. I had the hot flashes again, but not for the duration of my sit. I definitely have a lot of underlying fear and anxiety going on lately. I'm not really sure what it's all about, but oh boy is it there.

This meditation was very helpful because it reminded me of one key element in When Things fall Apart, which is the concept of leaning into your fears and anxieties rather then trying to make them go away or figure them out. In the meditation, it is likened to dipping your feet in cold water and how gradually your body acclimates to the temperature of the water. I always seem to forget this when I need it most, but it is an incredibly helpful metaphor. I know I've said this before, but the second you stop fighting your feelings, they become a lot easier to deal with.

That's about it for now. Stay tuned for some non-diary type posts I have in the works.

Laters!

Going with the flow and hating every moment of it

2011-04-05T22:36:00.002-04:00

Last night was tough. I found myself in a completely frustrated and helpless mindset for an hour or so. And later, when I was feeling better, I had the worst meditation I have ever had. It was 20 minutes of pure torture. For some reason, my body was totally panicking, it felt like what I would imagine a hot flash to feel like. I wanted so badly to get up and open the window, but I was determined to stay still and try to really feel what my body was going through. The entire meditation was a struggle, but I completed the 20 minutes and managed to not even check my alarm.

I'm guessing I was just going through some type of hormonal shiz for no real reason. I'm not going to fret over it for now, I'm just going to celebrate the fact that I stuck with it.

Laters!

No More Excuses (April 3rd)

2011-04-04T17:11:00.005-04:00

I squeezed in a 10 minute meditation tonight before I was walked in on (being caught mediating is oddly awkward) by my boyfriend who kindly apologized and offered to leave the room. I stupidly told him it was fine, but then I found myself distracted by various noises of him moving about the room, so I stopped. If my practice had been more consistent over the past couple months(or years), his presence in the room may not have been an issue.

That said, I'm going to make an effort to be more strict with myself in regards to setting a mediation time and sticking with it. I think it's important to be kind to yourself and not obsess if you don't meet every single goal, but I feel I've reached a point where I have been making a lot of excuses (see above) and I have been struggling in my day-to-day because of it. Starting today, I am going to sit for the entire, pre-determined meditation time. It's fine if I'm falling asleep or distracted or whatever, but at least I will be giving the time I originally felt I needed and I won't be changing things to suite my comfort level. I feel I'm simply thinking too much. I just want to sit, so that is what I'm going to do.

Laters!

And.. On to April

2011-04-03T00:03:00.000-04:00

Happy April everyone! I'm three months into this project and the challenges just keep coming. Work has been insane and loosing touch with this project has been a consequence, but I have to admit that it's been a choice (whether it feels like it or not) because I was just as busy during the first week of this project, yet I managed to get in the mediations AND the blogging.

While the mediations have still been happening, I've realized that processing everything here on this blog is just as crucial. I think this may be because my skill set is not developed enough to remain mindful under the type of stress I have been under. Taking the time to write on this blog everyday is essentially an extended meditation. It brings me back to the goal and helps me to observe the days events, which I'm not so good at doing in the moment.

In summary, I've decided I'm going to adhere to the blogging everyday from this point on. I think it's the right call since I have felt such a loss when I don't. If I can't actually post everyday, I'm going to recap on a sheet of paper and post later. I'm looking forward to the second quarter of this project and what it will bring.

Hope everyone is doing well :)

Laters!

That's More Like It

2011-03-24T00:45:00.000-04:00

Got back on the meditation wagon last week and by this Monday I was feeling noticeably better, I was also able to exercise three times last week, one of which was an amazing hike in CT on our way back from Boston. It felt so good to do something outside after this increasingly long winter. It had been years since I'd spent time in the woods and I had never done it as a Buddhist. Being in nature is amazing when you take the time to feel the rocks under your feet and breathe in the fresh air. Maybe I've been in the city too long, but I really enjoyed myself.

Here are some pics:

Monday Recap (with a little Tues,Wed,Thurs)

2011-03-18T18:06:00.000-04:00

I'm back to feeling hormonal again, sort of. I keep using old habits to try and fix things and big surprise, it's not working. I went to get a massage last night because I had a gift certificate I'd been needing to use. While the massage was amazing, it was unable to cure my mood even though I was secretly hoping it would. I've had very little patience for anyone lately, especially my poor dog, who just wants to play.

I meditated for 20 minutes on, but was mostly just irritated for no reason. I think I'm being particularly hard on myself because now that I'm "in a relationship"(gross) I feel responsible for another person's fun as well as my own, therefore when I'm not in the best mood, I feel like I'm ruining his time as well. This is a trap I feel many people fall into when faced with uncontrollable mood swings because who wants to be the guy bringing everybody down? Also, once I get in the mindset that I'm ruining the fun and I'm the problem (you know, because the world revolves around me), it's really hard to return to a good/positive mental state.

The funny thing is, after I completed my shitacular Monday meditation, I did a little reading in When Things Fall Apart and it happened to be a chapter on exactly what I'm struggling with; putting all of this into practice when in a state of total frustration/helplessness. I can get on this blog and rave about all the times when I have the capacity to observe behavior and the patience to take a "time out" and change that behavior, but at the end of the day, I still get stuck. And I've been getting stuck a lot lately (or at least it feels like a lot), to the point where I just want to run and hide until I don't feel that way anymore.

Anyway, in the book, PC says this is exactly the occasion when we need to remember that feeling out of control is ok, we need to become intimate with this kind of fear. She talks a lot throughout the book about the human instinct to categorize things. As humans we inherently feel that things need to be this or that, but that's rarely how it is. Everything is more...in the middle. And when I think about it, I totally agree, but man is it hard to start rationalizing when you're in that dark moment.

That's more or less how my week has been. A plethora, if you will, of highs and lows. Tuesday was much improved as was Wednesday, but Thursday was arguable worse than Monday. Bleck. I am proud to say that I am back on the meditation wagon though. Have not missed one all week. I also have exercised twice, for those keeping track. Whelp, have a great weekend!

Laters!

In other news, I got a new computer charger, so I am no longer sharing with my roommate, which will hopefully help me to return to more regular posting.

Progress Report

2011-03-13T09:33:00.000-04:00

Here's a little update on my progress a little over two months into this project:

Meditation: Nearly everyday for a minimum of 5 minutes, usually for at least 20. Have not skipped more than 3 days consecutively. While this is indeed impressive and I'm proud of myself, I really do feel the negative effects (bad mood, sense of no control, etc.) come on almost immediately when I skip meditation for even a day.

Buddhist Reading: Yes, I would say I have read something almost everyday be it on a blog, in a book, or an article a friend sent me.

Daily Highs: I've dropped off doing this on the blog everyday, but I would say counting the positive has worked it way into my daily routine. Ideally I would still do this on the blog everyday, but time is an issue sometimes and I can accept that

Monthly Random Gift or Card: January, February, March completed

Monthly Meditation Center/Temple Visit: Have only gone once so far (January). Again, time.

Exercise: Three times as week only happened for the first week or two. It's been more like once a week which is definitely not enough for me. Hopefully this will change pronto.

In general I'm incredibly pleased with my progress thus far. However, I will note that when I was following the guidelines more strictly back in January and taking the time to meditate for 20 minutes even at 2am, I felt remarkably better than I have in the past few weeks where I have just skipped meditation and blogging for days at a time. While I don't want to beat myself up for not being perfect, I can't deny the positive effects of taking the time to practice, even when I'm totally exhausted. For the remainder of March I would like to meditate everyday for at least 20 minutes and get back to the gym at least two days a week. Hold me to it folks!

Laters!

Walk Don't Run

2011-03-10T17:49:00.000-05:00

Saturday night was slated to be a great night. I had friends in town who I was meeting for dinner and two of my newest friends were joining. After dinner we were going to my man friend's friend's karaoke birthday party. My man friend had been out of town for over a week, so I was very excited to see him as well as my out of town friends. I was also anticipating everyone meeting each other because I thoroughly enjoy introducing my friends to my other friends.

I first went over to my friend's/neighbor's house to help them pick out clothes and get ready. Jess wasn't sure she was feeling like going out, but I convinced her we'd have a great time, so she agreed to join us. While I was waiting for everyone I looked up directions to my friend's hotel on my ~~evil~~ snazzy iPhone.

See, the iPhone has to feature where it uses google maps and your current location to create a customized route based on how you're traveling (i.e. on foot, by train, by car). Being that I've lived in New York for a few years, this was the first occasion I had used it to look up train directions, so it was also the first time I realized that it tells you not only what train to take, but WHEN the next train it coming. This is information that people like me should not have.

When I say people like me, I mean people who are constantly trying to be as efficient as possible particularly when it comes to travel. I am the girl who cuts through the parking lot. I am the girl who stands strategically at one end of the platform because I know it will put me closest to my destination. I am the girl who yells at people when they don't have their metrocard out and we miss the train. (For the record, I'm working on all of this, I really am.)

Anyway, if you haven't guessed it already, when I found out the next train was coming in 10 minutes, I immediately decided we HAD to catch that train. It is a 7 minute walk from my house to the train, so I thought if we picked up the pace we would make it there just in time. I am a pretty fast walker, so in order to keep up with me, my friends were literally jogging. It was quite entertaining. We made jokes and it turned into somewhat of a game.

As we approached the station I heard something, it was the sound of my friend in pain. When I turned around she was on the ground. She had slipped and fallen on the asphalt right off the curb of the sidewalk. For a moment we thought she was going to shake it off, but she declared she was in a massive amount of pain concentrated in her shoulder AND that she had no health insurance. We made some calls to various nurses, doctors, and veterinarians(?) we knew and they all said the same thing, "GO TO THE HOSPITAL".

So that is what we did. The ride there was pretty terrible because Brooklyn streets aren't the smoothest and pretty much any movement caused her pain. The hospital was interesting to say the least. The doctor seemed to think she was making a big fuss over nothing and said that it wasn't dislocated. He actaully said her injury was most likely a muscle tear. They took her to get an x-ray to confirm and guess what? It was broken! Take that Dr. Skeptical.

While my non-injured friend and I sat in the waiting area we encountered a man who had a chicken bone lodged in his throat, a man dead asleep with dollar bills sprawled on his lap, a guy who had a seizure and now did not recognize his own family, and of course, a young man who could only keep himself awake by staring up our dress. Ahhh Kings County General. We decided to keep ourselves occupied by browsing the romance section of Netflix on my iPhone. The first movie listed was titled: Walk Don't Run. Oddly appropriate, no?

The good news is, it's a quick healing injury. She should be fully recovered in a few weeks. Needless to say, I feel terrible because I convinced to her to come out and encouraged her to run to the train. Rather than sit around feeling guilty I'm just trying to be as helpful as I can while she recovers and to be more patient overall.

On a side note, sorry I haven't been posting as often. I really miss it, but I'm in an adjustment period right now. I've added some important people to my life, so a lot of my time has been spent enjoying them. I've also been making more of an effort to show everyone in my life how much I appreciate them, which often means less personal time. I'm working on it though and I'm hopeful that I'll be back in the groove soon. But after this weekend I'm not about to rush it!

Take care everyone!

Big Baby

2011-03-03T00:37:00.000-05:00

Today I feel like Big Baby from Toy Story 3. She (he?) seems all tough and hardened, kind of a bully, but at the end of the day, she's still a big baby. I was pretty irritable today at work and honestly just wanted to be left alone. In my mind everything was happening to ME and me only.

I woke up late, no hot water, and this lady on the street said I was disrespectful (I think because I had Henry's retractable leash let out too far, but I couldn't really understand her due to her accent and many missing teeth). She also assured me she would be watching me...

Someone else in the laundry room politely informed me that Henry was scratching at the door when I left and it was "shaking the whole hallway". I could barely bring myself to apologize to him. Just not in the mood. I'm resisting the urge to rant here because people getting in my business regarding my dog is becoming my biggest pet peeve.

As you can maybe tell, I'm still really pissy at this point in time. My meditation was all daydreaming and distraction, but as always, glad I took 20 minutes out of my day to sit still.

I'm not being productive at all right now. I'm too irritable to even try to examine my behavior, but hey, at least I can admit it!

Highs:
- going to bed very soon
- got off work on time again
- laundry complete
- in spite of what this post conveys, my hormones did not wreck my day

Laters!

Enter the Void

2011-03-02T01:35:00.001-05:00

I just had a really great meditation. I was feeling incredibly hormotional (as VA would say) today, which is why I wanted to focus on stress relief and just relaxing my body. I started off by going through the motions of relaxing my forehead, eyes, et cetera and when I got to my shoulders I really started to get into the zone. Of course I did what I always do when I get into "the zone" which is desperately try to hang onto it, which inevitably makes me lose it (I swear I am not talking about boners).

Anyway...I started to observe this pattern and had a total Buddhist moment where suddenly all of the yammering about "emptiness" and being comfortable with fear made a whole shit ton of sense. I thought to myself, "what am I fighting to hang onto here? Nothing? Yeah nothing."

So I stopped, I stopped trying to hang onto that tiny little moment of nothingness and you know what? It worked. All at once I had a whole lot of nothingness and let me tell you, nothing is pretty amazing. Now I'm totally ready for bed.

That is all.

Highs:
- meditation went swimmingly
- didn't let my hormones ruin my day
- watched Toy Story 3 with a friend :)

Laters!

Brief

2011-03-01T10:09:00.000-05:00

I have had virtually no personal time over the past few days AND no computer charger. I have been meditating, I promise. If I get out of work at a decent hour I will be sure to update you on this past weekend and my life in general.

In the meantime, this is what comes up if you google "random 80's video" Enjoy!

Wednesday - Thursday

2011-02-24T23:06:00.000-05:00

Last night I could not find the computer charger, so I considered typing a post via iPhone, but decided to just wait. My meditation was spent fighting sleep, so I stopped after about 15 minutes of an intended 30. I have found that deciding on a focus before I begin leads to a more effective sit. When I don’t really consider what my approach will be I change it about every two minutes (during the meditation), so I’m unable to feel like I really accomplished anything. Ultimately, it felt great to get back to daily meditation.

Today I have not been in a very good mood. There is no particular reason. I just haven't felt quite right. The next few weekends are pretty busy for me, so I'm just feeling a bit out of control.

At work, I wasn't as pleasant as I could have been, but I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. I'm also trying to observe how I get caught up in gossip really easily and allow it to affect my opinions of people when it shouldn't because it's just gossip. More specifically, it tends to be people in a negative mindset practicing a lot of self-cherishing because most of the time it's about how this person or that person did something to them. I do it too and I've always noticed that I like to gossip, but I have been noticing how much it biases my view and always in a negative way. I need to work on forming my own opinions of people because when I focus on doing that along with being compassionate, I am a lot more at peace and have a healthier view of those around me.

I haven't meditated tonight, but when I do I think I'm going to focus on compassion. Compassion for myself for my behavior today and compassion for everyone who is struggling with negative energy.

Highs:

Wednesday

- got to catch up with my friend rachel (she just got back from Colorado)

- was escorted to work by a very nice man ;)

- got to meditate!

Thursday:

- bad mood but still observant

- left wok early and got to be lazy

Laters!

Back To It

2011-02-22T00:30:00.000-05:00

Whelp, things got a little out of control last week. To put it simply, I got really busy and really distracted. After my lovely day off on Tuesday, I went out to dinner on Wednesday and then I worked until about 1am on Thusday night/Friday morning. Needless to say, Friday was incredibly painful and around 5pm, I found out I had to be at work at 10am on Saturday. Oh, did I mention I was stuck at work until after 10 on Friday evening? Yeah...

But oh no, I didn't let any of that stop me. Somehow I decided I still had plenty of time and stamina to socialize. As a result, my meditations and blogging got temporarily pushed aside. I still meditated on most days, but they were weak 5 minute meditations that didn't really correlate with my current practice habits.

In spite of what a great time I've been having outside of work (particularly last night when I had many good friends over to cook Indian food), I saw myself starting to fall apart late last night and this morning. I felt so off balance and out of control and could not wait to meditate tonight. I decided to work on a 30 minute stress and anxiety meditation, which was interesting...

I was so tired and physically uncomfortable that I eventually just decided to hang upside down over the couch so I could allow my spine to decompress. When that got uncomfortable I stood up and started stretching. It wasn't your conventional meditation(and I guess I was technically supposed to be transcending the pain), but I have to say it felt really good and I feel exponentially better now. I've said this before and I'll say it again, but I really feel like it all comes down to making time to take care of yourself everyday (or as much as possible, but the more the better). It may seem selfish initially, but for me, it I am much more productive and in tune to other's needs when I'm not distracted by my own.

That's it for tonight, I'm getting to bed early..ish

Highs:
- got back to my practice today
- getting to bed at a decent hour

Laters!

Have a Nice Weekend

2011-02-18T09:43:00.001-05:00

Bogged down with a last minute job right now. Everyone have a fantastic weekend and I'll try to update in the next couple of days.

Go Get Em

2011-02-15T13:03:00.000-05:00

Today is off to a running start, literally. After leaving work a little after 3am this morning, I finally got out of bed at nearly 10. I decided what better way to jump start the day than to go running with my pup. He wasn't too into it at first, which was really frustrating because I was ready to go. Instead of dragging him along I decided to tie him to a bench and do some up downs while he took a break. We ran for about 20 minutes and I did a few knees highs etc while pup was ~~pooping~~ resting. All in all, a good work out.

When I got back I did a few Vinyasas and stretched. I realized I was feeling incredibly calm and "in the moment", so I went right into a 15 minute guided meditation. Done, done, and done. Now what should I do for the rest of the day?

My meditations have been much more focused so far this week. Last nights was DIY creation. I looked up loving kindness in Transform Your Life: A Blissful Journey and found this passage recommended for contemplation:

I will cherish all living beings without exception because this precious mind of love is the supreme method for solving all problems and fulfilling all wishes. Eventually it will give me the supreme happiness of enlightenment.

I wrote the passage down twice on a piece paper and then I meditated on it for 10 minutes or so. Not your conventional meditation, but I truly started to feel compassion for myself and even beings who are particularly difficult to deal with. The act of writing it down a couple of times really helped me to stay focused and also reinforced the message. I may start writing these mantras down more often.

Highs:
- no work!!!
- in a great mood/mindset
- still have the rest of the day to enjoy

Laters!

Monday Disguised as Friday

2011-02-14T16:26:00.000-05:00

I worked all weekend, which was better than it sounds. My job can be somewhat demanding in the sense that things come up when they come up and usually need to be done right then. Often I will have nothing to do for hours and then at 5pm, there are suddenly 3 things that need to be completed in time to make 9pm Fed-ex.

Because of this unpredictability, working alone on the weekend was bordering on downright relaxing. Being alone at the office, I was able to sit uninterrupted and focus on one task. Of course I would have preferred to be hanging out with friends or whatever, but if I had to work the weekend this was the optimal situation. Even better, I now have tomorrow off! I really love having weekdays off, it evokes childhood memories of skipping school. Now All I need to get through is loading the last set of footage tonight. It's not even arriving until 10pm, so I will be here until at least 2am. It happens.

My meditation yesterday went well. I did a "mindful lying yoga" guided session. It was only :15 minutes but it felt great to lay on the floor and stretch. I know I said I was really distracted last week, but I think I should share with you that I'm noticing some changes in my behavior that appear to be direct results of this project.

1. I have caught myself (twice so far) moving about with my eyes closed. Was I meditating without even trying? It's either that or I'm a lot more tired than I thought. The first time was on the way to the subway in the morning. I was literally walking down Eastern Parkway with my eyes closed. Weird right?

2. I have been just sitting or "being still" without consciously intending to. I had some friends over for dinner (made a kick ass vegetable lasagna that featured my mandoline slicer! Thanks for asking) last night and after the last one left I just sat on my couch doing nothing for at least 30 minutes. Perhaps I was just zoning out, but I think it's a good sign that I'm getting out of the habit of constantly looking for a distraction.

Highs:
- heavy on the observing lately, finding it very informative
- feeling more kind
- no work tomorrow

Happy Valentine's Day to those who celebrate and to those who do not, don't let all the cliches ruin your day because then consumerism wins!

Merry Christmas (yesterday) to a select few!

Wandering

2011-02-14T01:48:00.000-05:00

This week I have been a bit lost. Not in a bad way, but I lost a lot of focus at work and in my meditation. I let myself be distracted by things such as my iPhone and being social. My mind has been drifting to anywhere, but to the present moment.

While, I've been distracted during meditation, I've been thinking about my practice a great deal. I can't put down When Things Fall Apart and I have caught myself a few times stopping in the middle of the page to mull over what I just read. The book has been a great compliment to the main teacher I read; Geshe Kelsang. I've been questioning attachment and romantic love a lot because I'm not sure how to interpret it in a Buddhist sense and I have no idea how a person can truly love someone, but be unattached. As I typed that last sentence the technical answer came to me from a reading - paraphrasing here, but I read that the western societal view of love is not actual love, it is attachment and self-cherishing disguised as love, which makes sense in my head, but not so much in my gut. Damn you, pop culture!

I've had the thought that love should be something that is purely unselfish and I've questioned my true feelings for people I've dated when I have strong urges to be with them based simply off of how they make me feel. How can that be love when I'm essentially using them as a drug? Again, self-medicating

Sex and relationships can be huge distractions, Pema Chodron points this out in When Things Fall Apart. For me they definitely are. When they are going well, I'm addicted to that hopeful feeling and completely terrified it's going to end. Even better, when they're going badly, I feed from the drama and the pain and the beautiful tragic hazards of love (I watch too many movies). Of course all of this is an exaggeration, but probably less of one than I'd care to admit. Long story shortened, I don't want to do this anymore. I want my relationships to be more productive than two people sucking entertainment out of each other until the novelty wears off. Question is, how do I do that?

Well, first thing I thought of is love them in a loving-kindness way, i.e. wish them health and safety and try to help them have that. Sounds easy enough, but what I often notice happening (not just with me, I've seen others do this as well) is when people are very giving they are expecting something in return. Maybe not at first, but after a while, people start to think, "what about me?". That self-cherishing thing will get you every time.

But seriously, should you be in the relationship with someone who you continually give to and they give nothing to you? When I first thought about this, it seemed that Buddhism's answer was yes. but then I remembered something I always have to remind myself of which is: while Buddhism does promote putting others before yourself it also acknowledges that you need to take care of yourself to take care of others.

So where was I? Love, ok, be giving, have an open heart, but it's ok to walk away from a situation where you find yourself giving so much that you can't function/thrive. I don't have to be a martyr, phew! I need to tell myself that more often. With the last guy I dated I found myself hanging out with him because I knew it would make him happy to see me. Meanwhile I was totally zoning out, becoming borderline passive aggressive, and in actuality being kind to neither of us.

I think I can learn to love in this way. I feel like I make progress with this in non-romantic situations everyday. Attachment is what is really getting me. It seems no matter what I do romantically, I end up completely attached and helpless or detached and thinking. "what the hell is wrong with me?" Where is the happy median? How am I to interpret this? Can I have a lasting marriage (one I like) with no attachment? Is the answer to not worry about the attachment part and just focus on loving-kindness? I think that may be part of it for sure. Where does worrying get us anyway? It just stops us from enjoying anything. The other end of it may be learning to let go if it doesn't work out. I analyze for months, no YEARS after the end of a relationship and for what? To understand why it didn't work out? Maybe, but I feel like it's more to go on living in the past, to continue hanging on. OMG, I'm an emotional hoarder.

If I can keep all of these things in mind and continue to observe my behavior maybe I can start to see some changes in the way I view and handle romantic relationships.

Daydreaming

2011-02-10T00:48:00.000-05:00

This week I have been so distracted. The weather is finally starting to become more mild and all I can think about are times to come, which makes it difficult to live in the present moment. I did a 30 minute loving kindness guided meditation tonight and I'm pretty sure I wasn't even listening to half of it. No matter what I did, I continued to drift off into other thoughts of plans for tomorrow, summer, my trip to Vietnam in the fall... ridiculous.

In spite of all the distraction, 30 minutes sitting in the quiet is still pleasant and I did have a few brief moments of the presentness to enjoy. Another nice thing is that all my thoughts were very positive. They were a bit on the fantastical side which I'm trying to avoid in both the positive and the negative direction because it interferes with being the moment and tends to focus on things beyond one's control.

Highs:
- I'm aware of my distracted thoughts/tendencies and able to examine them in a healthy way
- My dog is real cute

Laters!

Inspiring Story

2011-02-09T01:05:00.000-05:00

I heard this piece this morning on the radio. What a great way to start the day.

My meditation was great. Did 15 minutes guided AGAIN. I find that one so effective and easy, but it may be time to move on. I'm feeling the urge to up the anti to some 30 minuters. I'm also feeling really pumped about all the people who are responding to this little project of mine. I have at least two conversations a day about my practices and people seem to be genuinely interested. I never imagined adulthood to be this cool. Who knew you could make life choices and the people around you would respond with interest and intelligent questions?!

Highs:
- All of the above

Laters!

Hello There

2011-02-08T02:04:00.000-05:00

Hi folks. Still being a bit more social than I have been in the past month or so. The weather was nice again today so I found myself significantly more inspired to go out after work (although it totally started raining while I was out and of course I was wearing flats in rebellion to all the boot-not-optional weather we've had). Anywho, I still had a good time and I ended up spending the remainder of the evening hanging out with my roommate and her bf, while they baked cracker cobbler (don't ask) and watching Harold and Maude. In my opinion, a very worthwhile evening indeed.

I read David Foster Wallace's commencement address (turned to book after his death) last night and I am still not sure how to take it. On one hand it was an amazing commencement that can only be rivaled by Ellen's at Tulane, but knowing that he took his own life a few years later sort of fucks with your head no? I definitely agreed with all the points he made, but how can you take the advice of someone who ultimately STILL found life too painful to live? I've argued it out in my head all day and I think I just need to not worry about that one detail. I will acknowledge it, but it doesn't necessarily mean that what he said wasn't true or valuable. The value of someone's life doesn't solely lie in how it ends right? Take our lady Maude here. She killed herself too, but that's not what we think of when we picture the film. We think about her free spirit and how she made a bored boys life a bit more interesting. I think that same could be argued for Mr. Wallace.

Another book I'm reading is When Things Fall Apart. I'm only a chapter or so in, but I really like it. The author is focusing on fear and how we can become intimate with it and through this intimacy, we no longer suffer in fearful situations.

Just a few things to chew on this week. Anyone else reading anything thought provoking?

Highs:
- time with friends (new and old)
- iPhone day (feeling a bit mixed, but I waited so long I can't help but be a bit giddy)
- mindset feels totally on point

Laters!

Winter Weekends

2011-02-06T11:54:00.000-05:00

This winter weather is really making me sooooo tired. When I finally reach the weekend, after battling snow and ice all week, all I want to do is hibernate on the couch all day (and into the wee hours of the night). I'm not saying there's anything wrong with taking a day (or two) of rest, but when I reach the end of my weekend I'm finding myself a little disappointed, as well as, overwhelmed by all the things I did not accomplish. I'm also feeling that my practice suffers because for me, lying on the couch all day makes me feel more tired and achy than actually getting up and doing something. Once I waste that day on the couch, forget about having the energy to meditate or do some yoga without feeling completely run down and distracted. Anyone else ever experience this?

Needless to say, my Saturday mediation did not go so well. It was a half-assed attempt at nearly 2am that lasted about 10 minutes before my roommate came home and I used his distraction as an excuse to stop (although he just came in and went straight to his bedroom). I also did not exercise, although I am going to take the dog on a run this afternoon since it's sunny for once. This with the insanity workout once again brings me to two days of physical activity (not 3 as planned). I'm having trouble getting in the workouts, but I am trying and once the weather warms up I'll be riding my bike to and from work. I need to accept that if I want to get in 3 workouts a week, I need to go to the gym BEFORE work.

My Friday meditation was a guided 15 minutes. It's very basic and I think that's why I like it. I made sure to do it before I went out, so I didn't find myself in another situation where I was trying to meditate drunk at 3am. It's a good thing I predicted this because I did not get home until after 5am (I wonder if that had something to do with me spending the day on the couch? Although, for the record I was not hung over, just very tired).

On a side note, my friend Virginia sent me this article about meditation from the NY Times. It's cool to see people are studying the benefits of meditation and actually finding arguably tangible differences in people's brains.

My week of getting up early went well. I never managed to get up right at 7, but I did get up about 20 minutes earlier than my normal average, which was an improvement. For this week, I will still be aiming for 7 and then maybe the following week I can start getting up early enough to work out. The possibilities are endless friends!

I'm still feeling a bit all over the place as far as my thoughts. I've found a good outlet for them is to spend some time in my room doing whatever: reading, drawing, cleaning, just NOT sitting on the couch or the computer. As I said before, I tend to do that when I'm feeling run down, but it never seems to help much in large doses. I think I'm vegging out too much and not giving my brain any stimulation. An hour or so a night of mindless TV is plenty for me, I just need to remind myself of that. I should also note that I'm speaking particularly of episodic TV and mindless internet browsing, not watching a movie (which for me is very cognitive) or reading thoughtful articles and blogs. It's different for everyone, but I think you know what I'm talking about. Everyone has that thing they do when they just really want to do NOTHING and sometimes it's very helpful and then other times it becomes a habit. I'm feeling like I'm on the verge of habit right now. Dear spring, please get here soon.

Highs:
Friday
- made new friends and had a great time with old ones
- nice meditation

Saturday
- lots of R&R
- was able to observe my habits and articulate what needs to change

Sunday
- it's Sunny and not totally freezing
- going out for a run with my pup
- have some lovely evening plans
- feeling much more motivated

The Momentum Continues

2011-02-04T01:41:00.000-05:00

I am really feeling all over the place, but in the best of ways. I'm totally motivated at work, I've made some new friends who are really inspiring me creatively (and I am inspiring them as well), and I'm interested in all sorts of stuff. This evening I had urges to make collages as sort of a visual expression of all the thoughts I'm having right now. If I do end up doing this I will be sure to scan and post.

Yesterday I mentioned how I am truly looking forward to meditating every evening and I wanted to expand on that a little. I've always had this way of thinking where I will be inwardly excited about something and sometimes I have to stop and think, "what am I so pumped about?"

Sadly, much of the time I am excited about something material such as a package I'm awaiting (I do a LOT of online shopping). However, lately I have been having that feeling about going home and meditating, or writing on my blog, or seeing my dog (I love him). I think this is a notable step forward. A shift in the way I think. Could it be that the girl who woke up at 3am to order her Verizon iPhone is becoming less materialistic? I'm still pretty damn excited about that iPhone, but I'm more excited about how my mind is evolving.

Read a great post today on Buddhist Geeks which relates to the questions I raised on how practical is Buddhism in today's world. My particular struggle is with my job and how, while I really enjoy what I do, I'm not sure I always take it as seriously as they would like me to i.e. not thinking to check my phone every two seconds even when not at work. And how exactly can I "stop to smell the roses" and be all zen when sometimes I'm so busy I don't even think to go to the bathroom until 5pm (true story people)?

It's difficult because I do have a passion for my career and I can totally accept that there are sacrifices to be made and much of the time I make them gladly. BUT sometimes I just get really caught up in thoughts that my life is quickly slipping away and I am spending all this time pursuing a career for what exactly? To fulfill a need society has placed upon me to be successful? And then I start wondering why I'm not a yoga instructor.

I found the post very helpful because he talked about how working for the man and feeling like merely a tool doesn't have to be the way you think about it. If you can think about your job and other daily obligations as a contribution, as a "an opportunity to live with greater wisdom, and to create powerful habits that support this wisdom", we will feel more fulfilled. And perhaps this is how I can feel more Buddhist while I'm mindlessly making 10 copies of the same DVD for a presentation that I'm pretty sure will not change the world in any way that really matters. Because the truth is, I feel better when I work harder, even when I think no one notices. Anyone who has ever wasted hours at work on facebook or whatever internet vice you frequent, knows that at the end of the day there is some guilt there and each day that you leave work thinking, "I did not do shit today", makes you feel a little less relevant. And I'm not sure I've ever felt like a hard worker until recently. I may have worked hard in comparison to others (or not), but I wasn't working as hard as I could until recently. I'm saying make the most of every experience and even if no one rewards you, you can be content knowing you are building a strong reliable member of society. And having that confidence will do you a world of good.

Highs:
- all of the above
- fun dog playdate/ Grey's anatomy watching for the "moms"
- laying in bed listening to NPR - yes, I know, I sound like a brooklyn douche

Laters!

Tuesday + Wednesday

2011-02-02T23:52:00.000-05:00

This week is going really well. My mood and meditations are going swimmingly. I'm looking forward to them every evening. I would even venture to say that I am starting to believe that I could be one of those people who is happy enough not to worry about when that happiness is going to be taken away by something beyond my control.

Getting up at 7am still has not happened, but I have been up around 7:20ish, which is an improvement compared to the normal 7:45, sometimes nearly 8:00 routine. This very well could have something to do with my mood as well. Having the time to set the mood for my day is key.

Tonight I did an "Insanity" workout with my coworker. It was pretty tough. I can honestly say that running ten miles is easier than this DVD. We had a lot of fun though and the people who were still lingering around the office found our struggle quite entertaining (part of their entertainment may have been due to the fact that I was participating in the video as if it were a real class i.e. woo hooing and clapping along).

Highs:
- totally mellow mood - still
- feeling a lot of camaraderie at work

Laters!

Spontaneous Gift, January 2011

2011-02-01T00:36:00.000-05:00

Yes, on the last day of the month I am focusing on my goal of giving a random gift or card to someone in my life. I decided to send a "just because" type card to my mom. I knew she would really appreciate it and I do about two nice things for her per year (her birthday and Christmas). The woman may drive me nuts, but she is my mother.

Meanwhile, I've been having a strange craving for Shell Silverstein and other child-like things such as drawing. Oddly, Mr. Silverstein seems to make a lot more sense on a Buddhist level than most of pop culture. He keeps it simple and positive on the whole. Not a lot of the angst you see in most poems and music. Take the poem in the picture for example (which I randomly flipped to first thing). It talks about how you can have "one of those days", but it doesn't get all worked up about it, it even adds a funny picture. So, you're having a bad day? No biggie, this guy is too. Right now I'm really feeling like all of life should be interpreted as a Shell Silverstein poem.

In other news, haven't meditated today, but I did get up around 7 this morning. I was definitely awake since 7, but I stayed in bed till about 7:25ish... Either way, I was able to take my time getting ready, but I'd like to get up right at 7 tomorrow.

Highs:

- really feeling the Buddhist mind-set today

- feeling the buddhist mind-set led to me enjoying everything a great deal

Laters!

Sunday Funday January 30th, 2010

2011-01-31T01:15:00.000-05:00

Today was good times all around. I took care of some business and then I made dinner for two new friends. I had some anxiety about other guests not showing up, but in the end I had a fabulous time with the two who showed up. One more example of how worrying never does anyone any good.

I meditated for 20 minutes (non-guided) and was dozing off towards the end. I'm looking forward to waking up early tomorrow morning and enjoying some personal time before work.

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Highs:
- cooked for friends
- procured a new dog walker
- did not allow things not going as planned to ruin my day

Laters!

Playing Catch Up

2011-01-30T00:40:00.000-05:00

Thursday was my friend's birthday, so I was really excited to be social because ever since I started dating the guy mentioned in Wednesday's post I had become less social due to the constant pressure I felt to hang out with him. Since I have so little time, it felt like he was ALWAYS asking what I was doing and wanting to hang out. I found myself avoiding making plans because I would feel bad for not inviting him.

I have to admit, any hesitancy I was having about breaking up with him went right out the window Thursday and then Friday night. I stayed out both nights until the early hours of the morning and I had no text messages asking "what are you doing tonight?" or "how are you?"

Very liberating.

When I got home on Thursday I did a 15 minute guided meditation that I wasn't so crazy about. It was more like a yoga exercise. It helped me to relax, but I didn't feel like I was able to relax my mind as much. Sadly, I did not meditate yesterday. I was too drunk to be productive, so I forfeited.

Today has been a bit challenging mentally. I did the yoga DVD, but pretty much hated it the whole time. I almost just stopped in the middle, but I made my self push through to the end. Not even sure I want to meditate later or just settle for the meditation I already did at the beginning of the DVD... For whatever reason I'm whiney as hell right now (maybe PMS?). I'm not sure, but I'm just going to ride it out and start thinking about what i can do to make next week better.

I think I'd like to start by waking up at 7am everyday. Things just go a lot better for me if I actually have time in the morning. Getting up at 7 isn't going to give me time to go to the gym before work, but will allow me to leisurely get ready for work and spend a little more time with my pup.

Here are the highs:

Thursday - Fun birthday dinner for Momo, got to hang out with old friends. Helpful talk with coworker about not worrying so much.

Friday - Fun night out in Brooklyn with friends. Good conversation about this blog, Buddhism, and Islam with my roomie

Today - Lovely pasty breakfast with roommate and his lady friend. Many puppy naps per usual in this nasty weather. Pushed myself to do some yoga and not letting myself get too upset about my current mood.

Laters!

Ups and Downs

2011-01-27T02:01:00.000-05:00

Tonight was an interesting night. I was urged by a friend to break off a relationship I had been neglecting for at least 2 weeks, maybe more. I feel many simultaneous feelings common with a breakup. Was it the right decision? Was it just not meant to be or was I not open enough to the idea of being happy with someone?

On the whole I am mostly relieved. I had realized (or made the decision depending on how you look at it) a while ago that things probably weren't going to progress much further, so continuing on would have just been cruel to the other party. It's always unfortunate when you have to let go of someone just because they aren't perfect for you even though they are damn near perfect in many other ways and probably more kind than 98% of the population.

I'm currently having urges to reach out to him and tell him that I will not forget how kind he was to me, but I know that would only be for my benefit and what he needs right now is to be left alone and not further confused. So I will leave it be and swim in my thoughts for the days to come.

This aside, I had a very pleasant evening. The date preceding the breakup was jovial and we took a walk in yet another blizzard. Snow in New York can only be appreciated as it first falls. My favorite part is how silent everything becomes. There was also lightening which created some kind of northern lights effect. The sky was purple, I swear.

I did a guided meditation tonight (30mins) courtesy of my friend Virginia (thanks lady). I found it very helpful and it definitely did not feel like 30 minutes. I could have done with a little less talking because I became so focused so quickly that the leader's voice was a bit startling after moments of silence (I may have had the volume up to high). I plan to try out the others Virginia sent as well as do this one again, although I would still like to continue on my own some days. I was very comforted by the thoughts in Yoga Journal about being able to practice anywhere and not needing anything but yourself. There is a certain fulfillment I take away from a successful self-guided meditation that is different from when I attend temple or listen on the computer. It's almost the same as going on a long distance run alone in the mountains and attending a really awesome spin class. Both are fantastic and beneficial, but I would never want to be exclusive to either.

Highs:
- made a painful decision that was ultimately for the best
- hung out with both roommates a little tonight
- feel I progressed in tonight's meditation
- kept strong sense of compassion for other's throughout the day
- Henry is really funny in the snow

Laters!

Bouncing Brain

2011-01-26T00:31:00.000-05:00

This post may seem a little scatter brained, but here are the thoughts I'm left with at the end of this day.

Today and yesterday (and only after work) I was particularly anxious for no real reason. Easily overwhelmed, frustrated, short temper, all that. No biggie, but it happens. Maybe something hormonal, not sure.
Again, why are we so hard on ourselves? I arranged a really generous gift for a friend today and even just typing that sentence makes me uncomfortable because it feels like bragging. But what's wrong with saying, "I was generous today."? Nothing. Even more than that, I started thinking to myself, "how come I never do anything nice for my family, they've given me so much and I don't even think about them when I want to be generous..." I can recognize this as irrational, but I can also guess that this type of thinking is common among all of us. We all need to take more time to allow ourselves to feel happiness over the good we do instead of focusing on all the good we DON'T do.
Yoga Journal is a cool magazine and they have great FREE resources on their livemag website. I ripped out an article today about how comforting it is that you can take your practice everywhere. In the article they outlined a quick little time out for sticky situations that went something like this:

Set an intention i.e. "I will overcome what that asshole just said to me"
Find a quiet place or put on headphones
Take four big breathes lifting your shoulders to your ears as you inhale and back down as you exhale
Take 10 breathes, if you get distracted start over until you can do 10 just focusing on the breath
Bring your hands into prayer and bow to yourself and your intention

Up until now my highs have been centered around things that in Buddhism are considered distractions and are not relevant to an enlightened mind. Now, I'm not anywhere near enlightenment, but in effort to become closer, I'm going to make at least one high more spiritual

Highs:

- FINALLY all seven seasons of Grey's Anatomy are on netflix, love me some medical drama

- meditation went really well this evening

- I focused on a mental state when I realized I was cranky again tonight and was able to have a nice, calm evening aka successfully thwarted my anxiety.

Laters!

A Little Pick Me Up

2011-01-25T10:07:00.000-05:00

From a blog I've been enjoying. I've been getting feedback from some of you and I'd just like to say I really appreciate it. It was my hope that this blog would inspire and encourage others and it seems as though it is, which is great because I'm really enjoying the process. Putting time into happiness is never a bad thing :)

Balance and Such

2011-01-25T01:16:00.000-05:00

Today was an unexpectedly good day. Things were slow at work, so I focused on some housekeeping I had been putting off for a while. Being productive when no one asks me to always makes my day feel worthwhile. I also had a chat with an upset coworker whom thanked me later, so I think I helped.

Later I went to the gym and ran fast for a long time. It was awesome. Let. me. tell. you. When you are stuck in an office for a week, having time to go to the gym is like going to Disney World (or something you really enjoy). I know I've said this before, but I really like the gym. The gym is my sanctuary, there are no distractions. It's familiar, yet I'm pretty much anonymous. It's my time to focus on myself in a healthy way. Is there a little self-cherishing in it, yeah, but Buddha also taught that we must take care of ourselves in order to be in the condition to help others.

Going to the gym gives me some "me" time, which is very hard to get with two roommates, a dog, et cetera. I think this is important to remember for everyone. As I've gotten older I've earned/chosen more obligations and I'm sure you have too. My most immediate ones are my job and my dog. I sometimes have the urge to feel guilty for leaving work right at 7 or for leaving my dog right after I arrive home to get to the gym. But in truth, the days that I do let myself go, I feel great and I am a better worker the next day and more patient with my dog when I return. Perhaps balance is the key here? Obviously I don't want to be known as the person who is always leaving the second I'm allowed and I shouldn't leave my dog sitting alone every night when he's alone most of the day. However, I'm at work after hours 90% of the time and I take my dog to work with me at least once a week (among other things, he's a bit spoiled, that one).

I'm just thinking about how an irrational feeling can be analyzed and perhaps brought to a more reasonable conclusion. Instead of saying, "I am cherishing myself and being selfish" and harping on that, I could think, "going to the gym helps me to be a better person and a better Buddhist."

We could all be a bit easier on ourselves, no?

Highs:
- gym time!
- good chats with 2 neighbors, roommate, and man at grocery store
- took care of some back logged business at work

Laters!

Sunday January 23rd

2011-01-23T23:59:00.000-05:00

Still feeling worn out and off schedule. That's all going to change when I am forced to be back on schedule for work tomorrow. I'm really hoping for at least a couple evenings where I leave work on time, but if that doesn't happen, oh well. I chose to have this job after all.

Going to do the yoga DVD again, may add a few push ups and sit ups for a longer work-out. The cold weather and my fatigue are really not helping me to get to the gym. Things will be easier during the week since I'll already be out.

I meditated this morning while I was waiting for my sister and her friend to get dressed. It was ok, but I'm still not feeling as focused as I was in the beginning. I think it's time to honestly put some effort into procuring some guided meditations.

Highs:
- lots of sleep
- fun brunch
- clean kitchen
- better mental state
- quiet aparment

Laters!

On Self-Cherishing

2011-01-23T22:34:00.000-05:00

During my meditation this weekend, I keep being distracted by an incident where I was yelled at unfairly. Not to say that I could not have handled this particular situation more tactfully, but it was basically a case of a superior acting unprofessionally and me trying to please the superior as well as the client who was being treated poorly by this superior. It was an unfavorable position to be in.

Now that the moment has past and I have had some time to think about it, I'm still troubled by what happened, although I shouldn't be. What I'd really like to think is, "ok this happened, but I know I was just trying to do my job and this person has their own issues, so I'm going to move on and continue to do my job to the best of my ability."

Instead, I find myself holding on to this incident and brooding, and taking it personally. I'm thinking, "how could this superior treat me like this?" When really, as I think about it more rationally, this person treats everyone poorly at times and reacts to everything right in the damn moment. This person is not going to change and it was definitely not personal when they yelled at me the other day. Should they have yelled at me? Probably not, but as I said before, I should have been more discreet if I was going to do something they flat out asked me not to do. (I know this may be a little difficult to follow since I'm not stating what happened specifically, but this is a public blog and I can't discuss the matter in any more detail than I am.)

The whole, "how could someone treat me like this" part reminds me of something that was said by the instructor at the meditation center when I last went. He was saying how people are always acting so surprised that bad things happen to them.

His point was, why wouldn't bad things happen to you? Bad things happen all the time. So yeah, who am I to think I'm so special as to not get yelled at when everyone else who crosses this person's path in a time of stress gets it too?

Great points Buddha man, but I still got more upset than I should have and I'm still not looking forward to seeing this person on Monday. I think all of these things can be considered quite normal/natural, so I can forgive myself for having these feelings. But the longer I hold onto this incident, the longer I suffer. To me this is a classic case of a self-cherishing mind, which is one of the delusions often discussed in Buddhism. The simplest way I would explain self-cherishing is the classic "thinking the whole world revolves around you" concept, cherishing yourself above all others. For a long time, I was like, "well yeah I would be concerned for myself above everyone because I have to BE myself all the time, no break." Another more, irrational thought I've had in times of weakness is, "I definitely don't cherish myself above others because I hate myself."

But come on people, how self-centered is that last sentence, and how focused on one's own suffering does a person have to be to think, "wah, I hate myself."? Seriously, I've been there folks and I know it feels a lot more complicated than that, but what is depression? Just a great big pity party. And guess what? All parties have to end sometime. That's what I try to focus on when I'm upset. I think to myself, "yeah, I'm in a bad mood, but I won't be in a bad mood forever, I might even feel better in a hour, who knows?"

There is no point in being upset that you're upset. Try it next time. Instead of being like, "crap, I'm so upset and this is why and this is why it sucks!"

Instead try to think(as my Buddhist instructor once said), "I'm upset, that's interesting." Accept it, let yourself be human, but try not to use it as an excuse to self-cherish and wallow in your own bad fortune. But if you do end up wallowing, no biggie, no one is perfect. Just recognize and try not to do it next time, or do it for less time. I've said it once and I'll say it again. It takes practice folks.

That's all for now, if you happened to follow that, go have a cookie!

What day is it?

2011-01-23T00:50:00.000-05:00

You guys, today was so disorienting. I once again got up, walked dog, fed dog, fed self, and went back to bed. It was 3pm when I finally emerged for real. I still feel like I could totally fall asleep at any second though. Tomorrow will be more structured because I have brunch plans with my sister before she leaves town.

I don't really have much to contribute right now. I have yet to meditate, but I will before I go to bed. Just trying to chill and take it easy for the next couple of days. Feeling pretty positive overall though.

Highs:
- Aziz was rockin'
- delicious dinner at a restaurant I hadn't been to in a while
- puppy napped on the couch with me while I watched a movie, he's so cute :)
- overhearing a lot of facebook drama talk regarding my sister and her friends = really entertaining

Laters!

Finally

2011-01-22T00:16:00.000-05:00

I left work last night around 5am. Latest I have ever worked. Fortunately, my new producer was there with me, therefore was aware of the hours I've been putting in on this project. She decided that I could be "on call" for today, so guess what folks, I got the day off! Got a call around 5 asking if I could come in tomorrow for a few hours to cover for someone who couldn't be there until one. I agreed and then around 8ish I got a call that I didn't need to come in for that either! I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I think I may actually get a weekend. O.M.G.

I did the Yoga DVD again today and it was actually really nice. My body was incredibly sore though. I went ahead and did my 20 minute meditation afterwards and that was pleasant as well. It was nice to be meditating when I actually had the time to meditate. The rest of the day was a blur of waking up and walking the dog, eating and then going back to sleep.

My sister and her friend arrived this evening, so we're going to take it easy tomorrow with some shopping and then we're going to see my hero, Aziz Ansari, do stand up at Carnegie Hall. Very excited. Front row, that's how we roll baby.

This week has been full of many ups and downs and it's put into question the practicality of being a Buddhist in modern America. I will expound on this in an upcoming post, maybe on Sunday after my guests leave. For now, I'm going to take advantage of being able to go to bed when it's actually night time.

Highs:

- Unexpected day off

- Had dinner at a new a delicious restaurant

- Good company at dinner and for the weekend

- No work all weekend

- Am starting to feel coherent again

Laters!

Reaching My Limit

2011-01-21T02:57:00.000-05:00

Buddhism can cure many things, but I'm am struggling to find a way in which it can replace sleep. I am not nearly that enlightened friends. I need my sleep. When I was a new born babe, my mother called the doctor concerned because I would sleep for 10 hours at a time. When I was a teenager, my family dubbed me "queeny" because I would not rise from bed before noon unless I had somewhere to be. In college my roommate didn't believe how long I could sleep until she witnessed it for herself on several occasions.

Once I entered the working world, my sleeping habits drastically changed. I rarely will stay in bed past 10am because I almost always naturally rise at 7 and with such limited free time, I try to take advantage of my days off. I certainly don't need as much sleep as I used to, but I have forfeited many a social event in order to get to bed before midnight. And that's why this week I feel like my body is caving in on itself. Don't even get me started on my mental state. Not to mention that this project has been really tough. I've found myself amidst many combative situations and I've felt pretty lost at times.

Tonight I am foregoing my normal meditation routine. I meditated for a 5 or so minutes a few times today at work and I realized that sitting on my bathroom floor at what will most likely be 4am isn't really going to do much for me. So while the attachment minded me would prefer to stick strictly to the project guidelines and get in my 20 minutes merely to have a perfect record, the spiritual (or whatever) side of me can accept that sleep is more important in this instance. Also, a large part of Buddhism is about not getting caught up in technicalities and not judging yourself for being imperfect. So yes, while it's bugging me that I didn't get in all my exercise last week and I'm not fully meditating tonight, I'm hopeful that by the end of this year there will be no such mental tally for me to refer to.

Highs:
- I don't have to be in to work tomorrow until 11 at the earliest
- I don't have to be in to work tomorrow until 11 at the earliest
- I don't have to be in to work tomorrow until 11 at the earliest
- I don't have to be in to work tomorrow until 11 at the earliest
- I don't have to be in to work tomorrow until 11 at the earliest
- I don't have to be in to work tomorrow until 11 at the earliest

Laters!

Man Oh Man

2011-01-19T22:59:00.000-05:00

Today is a little better for me on a personal level, but work is really bogging me down. Trying really hard to stay centered and make good choices blah blah blah, but I'll be honest, I'm heading into survival mode. In essence, just focus on when this particular job will be over and not get caught up in all the million things that need to happen by then and all the million hours of my life it will suck away. woooo.

Here are the highs:
- I've managed to stay awake a lucid on 3 hours of sleep
- I haven't lost my mind in spite of living at work for the past week and sitting next to a PMSing coworker (I kid, I kid)

Laters!

Collision

2011-01-19T09:22:00.000-05:00

Everything seems to be a contradiction to everything else right now and unfortunately, when I need to the most, I don't have time to flesh it out here or anywhere else. I got home at 2am last night and meditated on a pillow on my bathroom floor in an effort to not wake up my dog. I was better than it sounds, I swear. I wasn't falling asleep, but I was literally vibrating from all the events of the day (and too much green tea). Sitting and breathing for a while helped, but after a day like yesterday I needed way more than 20 minutes, but had to get to bed soooo.

Will update in more detail later I promise. Hope all is well in your lives.

Highs:
- got to sit an edit with clients
- didn't fall apart

Laters!

Why Buddha?

2011-01-18T20:34:00.000-05:00

I thought it might be informative or interesting to talk about why I choose to study Buddhism and why I feel it's the most beneficial choice for me. I'd also like to say that while I would absolutely recommend trying all of the practices I discuss on this blog I do not necessarily think that Buddhism is the perfect option for everyone.

I was raised in what you would call a "Christian" household, but we weren't regular church goers and we never practiced outside of the few holidays we attended church. My grandmother is what you would call a practicing Christian, so when I stayed at her house I would go to church and Sunday school. My hometown is 98.8% right-wing Christian and I often found myself at church as well as Sunday school with friends. I also participated in other Christian themed things such as summer bible school, church play, abstinence class (?) at the many many Christian facilities scattered about my town. There was a time when I prayed and read the bible regularly, but even then, it never really came off as profound to me. This is not to knock Christianity or to make it sound trivial in any way. I know practicing Christians who are wonderful, at peace people and I know much of it has to do with their faith and what their faith has inspired them to do. I also can't lie and say that growing up in a town where, in my opinion, Christianity was too often used as an excuse to judge people and reject new ideas, didn't add to why I was only briefly interested in becoming a serious Christian.

By High School I had pretty much discontinued any kind of Christian practice and when friends requested that I attend church with them, I politely declined. Even when my crush tried to pursued me with the gift of a praying beanie baby(why I liked a guy who bought me a beanie baby is another question for another day), I refused to attend anymore church. This was also when I became aware of other religions (including Buddhism) via my ninth grade world history class. I can liken this experience to this week's release of the Verizon iPhone, for so long I wanted another option and then I FINALLY got one. I remember writing an essay for a test in that class and filling up every square inch of the page. I think my teacher just gave me an A because she got tired of reading my personal philosophies on world religions. What drew me in was the fact that Buddhism seemed like nothing more than a guide on how to be a good person. Every aspect of it was simple, yet profound. There didn't seem to be this threat around not adhering to the rules. It was just kind of like someone saying, "here try this, it might help" instead of, "if you don't try, this there will be serious consequences."

Knowing more about Buddhism now than I did at the time, I could argue that Buddhism does threaten you with being stuck in Samsara, but I guess the difference is, you're already there, you're already suffering. It's kind of like what my mom said this one time, "I think we are in hell." My mother...yeah. Anyway, point is, Buddhism, in my opinion, had a softer approach.

If I had had the resources I may have become a Buddhist right then. But alas, I had no clue where to begin being as there wasn't even a Jewish Temple in my town, let alone a Buddhist one. Yup, diverse my town was not.

On to College. Women's studies class, which was more like humanity studies class i.e. studying lots of interesting things like religion, sexuality, service work. When we got into a discussion on religion I chimed in, "Oh yeah, I was going to be a Buddhist, but I don't know where to start."

My instructor was actually really cool about this and gave me the name of a group she knew of. Problem was they met 45 minutes away and after some further research I got the impression they were a bit sketchy/cultish...If I had really wanted to I'm sure I could have found somewhere else to go, but I was in college and therefore highly distracted by freedom and boys and FREEDOM. So, once more Buddhism got lodged away somewhere like a bugger between two couch cushions, left to dry up and flake away.

Enter desperation (and a little more exposure to Buddhist ideals). When I finished school in Virginia, I moved to New York. Lots of shit went down and I was left thinking, "something has GOT to change, the gym isn't really cuttin' it anymore."

I'd been living in the city for about two years and my life wasn't really what I had hoped for. After feeling sorry for myself the entire day for at least an entire year, I finally reached that point where I was ready to take some action. I considered therapy, but that wasn't an option I liked. I felt really uncomfortable with the idea of paying someone to listen to me (and frankly I was sick f listening to me) and I had heard many stories about how difficult it is to find a decent therapist in New York. Also, I didn't have the time or money to go shopping around. My mind just wasn't open to it at the time. I remembered someone telling me that a mutual acquaintance of ours was a Buddhist and I realized, "hey! I'm not stuck in Virginia anymore, there are lots of like-minded people around here!".

After a quick internet search I found a place that was near my work and had an monthly intro class coming up. Jackpot! That Saturday I went. Man, what an experience. I was running late, wearing workout clothes (they said wear comfortable clothes!) and felt totally out of place. I burst in all irritated Woody Allen style and everyone in the room looked so peaceful and relaxed. I was very much out of my element, but I had a great time. For the first time in months I felt free of my ridiculous irrational thoughts and safe from all the commotion of the streets. Everything the teacher said made sense to me on a spiritual and logic level. So for a while I started thinking differently and meditating when I could. I bought a book. And then I got distracted again. My life started to get better and much busier, so Buddha got all crusty again.

I didn't forget about him though. I didn't forget about how the little bit of effort I put in was more powerful than anything else I had ever done for myself. I guess you can say I developed faith in Buddhism, I know that it works. Soon the idea of this project started knocking around in my brain and now here I am, posting daily updates on my practices. I've been thinking of it in my head as marrying happiness. We've been seeing each other on and off for years, but now I'm committed. Buddhism is a large part of it for me, but if you take anything away from this increasingly long post, I want you to put some time into being happy from the inside out. Take some time out from each day to really focus on nothing. Try to let your brain turn off. If you can't do it, don't judge yourself, just be an observer. But try again the next day and the next day. And when you think you've got it, keep practicing. Then all those other things that you thought filled your life before, they're just icing on the cake baby.

Got My Run On

2011-01-18T00:52:00.000-05:00

WELL. I finally made it to the gym. I ran a little over 4 miles while jammin' to Kanye the whole dang time. Let me tell you Buddha + endorphins= high on life. I was having a freakin' blast. Of course, I pretty much always enjoy the gym because I'm weird like that, but I really did have some extra fun tonight. I also got extremely lucky because I didn't turn my phone back on after getting off the train, so I missed about 8 million calls from work and by the time I was out of the gym the crisis had been managed. I felt bad that someone else had to put out the fire before me, but not THAT bad if you know what I mean.

Today was also the first day of a marathon schedule that I am trying to decide if I want to seriously follow. It's to help raise money for a really good cause and I have always wanted to run a marathon...No time like the present right? I'm just really concerned about the whole work taking over my life thing. I need to think about it some more. If I decide to do it, I would run sometime in May or June. I am leaning more towards a half for now though.

Waited till too late to meditate tonight. Was falling asleep most of the time. Strange thoughts about the movie The Village and olden days were entering my mind. Also, Veronica Mars. She pops up in my subconscious more than I'd like to admit. Not sure why either. I confess I quit with one minute to go, but it was a lost cause.

Highs:
- drama free day for me personally while many other's had their own dramas
- made it to the gym
- had some nice train reading
- have to be a work a half hour than originally planned

Laters!

The Fun Continues

2011-01-17T00:45:00.000-05:00

Today was a total wash. Woke up to a billion emails, then around 3 got a call about a different job. Worked from home on that for a another couple hours, so I couldn't leave my house (because I don't have a smart phone). Henry and I napped for the rest of the day and into the evening. Didn't make it to the gym :( Have to be into work at 8am, so won't be attempting the gym in the morning either. Hopefully work will slow down a bit.

Meditated for 20 minutes tonight, which was nice and went by really quickly. I think I'll be sticking with 20 for a bit. I really want to relax with some mindless TV, so I'm going to wrap this up.

Highs:
- slept till noon for the first time in a LONG time
- didn't have to go into the office and was able to work form home (bless you quicktime pro)

Laters!

Longer Weekend

2011-01-16T15:39:00.000-05:00

I worked yesterday from about 10am until nearly 4am. Around 3am, while I was waiting for video to compress, I tried to do some yoga... It only lasted about 5 minutes, but it did feel nice afterwards. Note: Yoga is really hard when you're REALLY tired. My exercise goals for the week have been less than satisfactory. I guess I technically exercised three times this week (if I make it to the gym today), but both yoga sessions (esp last night's poor showing) weren't as rigorous as I would prefer them to be. Oh well, live and learn. Exercising before Thursday might have been helpful.

Work was a tough day. For the daytime hours, I was working simultaneously on two jobs and then the majority of my evening was spent trying to sync the audio and picture of three cameras that ran on set simultaneously. This usually isn't too difficult except the production people decided not to use the clapper on the slate, which serves as a visual and audio reference point to synch to. In essence, I spent many hours staring at people's lips in slow motion and zoomed in audio waveforms. Crazy Saturday night, I know!

Luckily I meditated before all that craziness, but I won't lie and say that I didn't get close to a meltdown at one point. Fortunately I had my dog with me. Being forced to stop to take him on a walk was a real life saver. Sometimes all you need is a little timeout. I was also able to recognize that much of my frustration was coming from being tired, so I self-medicated with a boost of green tea and that kept me going for the remainder of the evening. My whole body is sore. It's crazy to me how sitting in a chair all day can make you feel so physically exhausted. I think it's just another example of how a weak and/or tired mind really does affect everything.

As far as Highs:
- feel really proud of myself for getting all that work finished on my own
- made some overtime monies
- didn't have a meltdown in spite of urges to do so

Laters!

Long Week

2011-01-15T00:29:00.000-05:00

Long but good week. Very productive at work and have been able to continue this project (have only exercised once, but I still have Saturday Sunday). I upped my meditation to 20 minutes tonight. Fifteen just wasn't working out for me because it felt too long, but not long enough where I wasn't feeling like "is it over yet, it should be over". Yes, I've discovered another quirk in my personality, I find the number 15 distracting. Also, the math on the timer was annoying.

Meditation tonight was only so so. I'm pretty tired this week. Need to do the morning thang. May set some goals next week in regards to wake up time. My new calm mind really appreciates the morning, but my body still loves to rest. There has to be a happy medium in there somewhere.

Hope to have some time/energy this weekend to do some posts that aren't mere progress reports.

But for now here are the highs:
- puppy was really well behaved
- I felt really appreciated at work

Laters!

I Should Be In Bed

2011-01-14T00:10:00.000-05:00

I was at work until 3am this morning. Awesome. I had to leave at 5:30 because my roommate informed me that the pup had pooped his crate and my roommate was on his way to work, so the pup was locked in the bathroom. This is probably where I should mention, my dog only poops in the crate when he absolutely has to (i.e. dihererra). I was concerned about leaving him in the bathroom because he will get into anything if he's given the time, so I hurried home to clean up the mess.

Again not sure if it's the meditating or because it wasn't the first time I cleaned up poop, but for some reason I didn't freak out. I went in with a strategy and I got shit done errr shit cleaned up. So now I am sitting peacefully in my very clean house and I even had time for a Yoga DVD and meditation. The Yoga was nice, but only 30 minutes, so I would have preferred something a little more challenging, but I didn't get much sleep last night and I spent the evening cleaning, so I took what I could get (or already had in my living room). Meditation started off strong until I started to wonder why it was going so well. I opened my eyes at 11 minutes and then every minute after that. I also started to doze off... I was meditating on emptiness and I really felt like I got to the emptiness and then got bored and then started to wonder what else my Buddha book said about emptiness...But man those first 11 minutes, gotta just hang onto that.

Highs:
- made it to work on time despite all odds
- major dog mess wasn't the end of the world, who knew?
- not at work right now

Laters!

Back to Reality

2011-01-12T22:48:00.000-05:00

This post is brought to you via my office. Yes I am still at work and yes this is regular thing. In my opinion, today is where the real challenge of this project begins. Working late means less time to meditate, exercise, blog and all that, but it also means applying the stress that can trigger old thought patterns. I did ok today. I recognized a lot of behavioral patterns in others which made me feel pretty calm. If someone always behaves the same way, it can't be you causing it and the only thing you can really change is the way you react to it. I don't have time to delve too deeply, but I am really noticing how working on one's mind and attitude everyday can significantly alter a life. Just think of it this way, you should practice being happy in equal or more proportion to the amount you practice being grumpy...
If that's too overwhelming (some of us practice being grumpy A LOT) just think, there are only so many hours in the day, so if I spend a few practicing being happy, then I am taking time away from being grumpy, in essence, being grumpy less. Then pretty soon you could be grumpyless. Ah math. Ah The Bolshevik Revolution. (The later is a joke from AP History in high school where we were discussing something to do with the Bolsheviks and my friend just said, "ah The Bolshevik Revolution". We found it very funny and started saying it at random. Sometimes I still do.)

Meditated this morning for 15 minutes, got incredibly distracted, but it still helped me prepare for the day.

Highs:
- overcame major stress with minimal effort
- helped a coworker which made me feel knowledgeable and compassionate (or something)
- don't even really mind that I'm still at work
- had delicious free sesame crusted rare tuna with wasabi mashed(how pretentious is it when people say "smashed") potatoes (perk of the job)

Laters!

Tuesday Blues

2011-01-11T22:53:00.000-05:00

Meditation last night was ok, then briefly awesome, then ok, then awesome, then ALARM. I did 15 minutes and just as I was back into my groove, the alarm went off. I'm really hating mediating to an alarm, but if I didn't I would just be wondering how long I had been meditating the whole time, so alarm it is.

I have been extremely hormonal today. Most of the day was alright because no one was making many demands on me, but when I got home too late to go to Yoga class and my dog was up in my face I found myself feeling very short tempered. At first I tried to ignore him for awhile and loose myself in the abyss of the interweb, but that was exacerbating the issue because he really just wanted my attention. Finally I gave in and decided to do something I had been putting off; trimming his bangs and cleaning the gunk out of his eyes. Not the funnest task, but it provided some bonding time and we both felt better afterwards. I'm still feeling antsy, so I'm going to go clean my bathroom, which always makes me feel better because I love to have CONTROL over my surroundings. Another thing I'd like to work on, but in this case I will have a clean bathroom and won't be holding it against my roommates (that I am doing it once AGAIN) because I was really sick last week, so I should be the person cleaning in there.

Highs:
- trimmed dogs face
- got another pair of coveted shoes in the mail today (these are the last pair I swear)
- it's snowing and it's pretty

Laters!

P.S. This documentary is cool and slightly relevant to my comments about how the subway can be cool.

Buddha Took the Train WIth Me Today

2011-01-11T00:19:00.000-05:00

Today the MTA was in top form, doing what they do best, sucking. It took more than 30 minutes to get about 2 miles from my house. The announcements weren't very informative or easy to hear (per usual) and of course every train was insanely crowded due to all the re-routed people. Fortunately for me I was all Zen and reading my Buddha book. I realized there wasn't really anything I could do(and for some reason the lack of control didn't freak me out as it often does), so I just tried to focus on the chapter I was reading while everyone else fell apart around me.

I recently went through a similar situation while traveling during the holidays. Man people are mean when they're stressed and nothing brings about stress like trying to get to a place you don't really want to go so you can hang out with a bunch of people you don't really want to hang out with...for days on end. Am I right? On my way back to the city, one charmer said to the lady collecting tickets, "answer my fucking question, you fucking pussy." He said this in such a nasty tone that one lady requested to get off the bus and take the next one because she was uncomfortable being on the bus with him. In this case, I was so grateful to be headed back to New York that I again found myself not troubled by the overcrowded, dirty bus, which decided to stop in Baltimore and Philadelphia before finally arriving in New York after more than six hours.

Today I should have been that person though. I was already late to begin with, but the kind of late where if you catch a train right away (as well as your connecting train) there is a chance you will be right on time. (I LOVE to hang onto the dream of being on time) This was also an important day at work because our owner/founder was arriving and I knew he would be at the office at 9am sharp. So we've got the stress of already running late, the desire to look good in front of the boss and for some reason I was perfectly calm and composed to the point where I found everyone else's huffing and puffing quite humorous.

Could this Buddha stuff be working? I think so and here's why. When I was reflecting on my day just now I started thinking, does the MTA really suck? Really? Actually, it's pretty great. It goes nearly everywhere in 4 of the 5 boroughs. It's so accessible that most people don't need a car. It gets me to work in 30 minutes most days. Even with the recent fare hikes, it's only $104 for unlimited rides on all the trains and buses. Lets think about this. How much do most people pay a month for gas, auto insurance, car payment, oil changes, unexpected repairs? Yes of course a car is much more convenient, but who really wants to have a car in New York City anyway? I'm not saying that there aren't improvements to be made and money that is certainly going to waste, but there is a time and a place to get revved up about it. If it really bothers you that much go to the meetings, voice your opinion, get involved, vote. This is a wild guess here, but I bet the huffers on the train this morning haven't done a damn thing but complain. One could say it's the huffers that make the train so unpleasant. If I consider that I haven't done a damn thing to try to improve the MTA, the mass transit options in New York are pretty great. Arguably so great that we take it for granted that a train is going to show up within 2 minutes during our morning commute. I know I do. I remember recently standing on the platform and thinking, "This is taking FOREVER."

Then I looked at my watch and I had been standing there for 3 minutes. So you have to wonder? Who has the problem? Who was standing in the way of my happiness? The MTA? or Me?

Highs:
- my Swedish Hasbeens arrived in the mail today! I know this isn't very Buddhist, but they are so beautiful and I have wanted them for so long.
- I'm feeling very content and grateful, peaceful even
- motivated myself to do some things I'd been putting of at work

Laters!

P.S. Have not meditated yet, was dead tried this morning from all the working out this weekend. Will be upping my time to 15 minutes though :)

P.P.S. The MTA also has a really fascinating history and some straight up beautiful stations.

Sunday Funday

2011-01-09T23:43:00.000-05:00

Today was my first time visiting the Brooklyn branch of the meditation center I attend. Overall it was a great experience. Since this was my first visit I confess I was distracted by being in a new environment and listening to a new teacher, who by the way, looked a LOT like Mel Gibson and had crazy blue eyes. I had also come straight from spin class and was a tad late. It took a minute for me to go from crazy cardio workout mode to clam mediation mode.

Other than my personal issues with distracting and sarcastic thoughts, the class was quite nice. The session was the second in a series on mediation, which was perfect since, hey! I'm trying to learn how to meditate real good. The way the classes at this particular meditation center go are as follows: guided 20 minute meditation, talk, short closing meditation. To start, we did an easy breathing meditation like I discussed briefly the other day. It's a very simple(but not always easy) "beginner" meditation where you try to hold your focus on your breath for the duration of the meditation.

We then went into a discussion about why it's important to learn how to meditate/practice Buddhism and not simply agree with the ideas. Ideas like, everyone has great potential. You can't just say, "yes" and be done with it. You need to think about what that actually means, You need to get inspired and most importantly, you need to practice. He pointed out how ridiculous it is that our culture doesn't automatically assume that you need to spend time maintaining your mind. We do all these things everyday to maintain our bodies, but most people don't take any time to work on their minds.

Another thing he said that I really enjoyed was in relation to self-medicating. He said we all do it all the time. We get home and sit down and then immediately we need to start doing something, have some kind of distraction because the second we sit alone with ourselves we begin to suffer. It's like we truly believe that suffering is the default state, the reality. But what if it's not?

He pointed out that we seem to believe our brain affects our mind, but that our mind does not affect out brain. For example, if we can get our brain chemistry right, then our mind will be right. But this is only a temporary fix, this does not fix the real problem, it just gets rid of the symptoms for a short period of time, often with side effects. This isn't to say that pills aren't helpful. If you can take a pill to relieve your symptoms and get you to a calm state, so that you can carry out your life and your practices than that's great, but the point is, you still need to practice. Practice being happy. There is no "quick fix" out there. It's easy to be depressed or stuck in a state of suffering because we have so much practice doing it because again, we believe that's reality. If we can practice being happy then it will get easier and easier to be happy. Happiness can become our reality. Then nothing can touch us, no matter the situation.

Anyway, I'm just paraphrasing some of the thoughts that I personally took away from today's class. I'd love to hear what you have to say on these topics, if anything. If not, I hope you at least find them as comforting and inspiring as I do.

Yes, I know, he really needs a haircut.

Here are my highs:
- think the food poisoning has officially left the building (aka my body)
- got to do a lot of things done today
- my dog is playing with a PBR can (he's so hip)
- speaking of PBR saw a funny sign at the grocery store that read; "hipsters fall in love with PBR again, cases on sale"
- listened to an awesome episode of The Moth tonight on NYC Public Radio

Saturday

2011-01-08T18:32:00.000-05:00

It's Saturday, so I won't keep you long. Got up this morning and went to an 8:30am Yoga class. It was a really bizarre class because it was incredibly fast paced. Usually I'm all for cardio, but when I go to Yoga I want some time to focus on my poses. This felt like a race. The instructor did a nice reading at the end about how most people think too little of themselves because they think "who am I to be great". Her point was who are you not to be great? Excellent point. Let's keep that in mind for today (or for life). Everyone has greatness inside them and I am a firm believer that people hold themselves back more than any other factor in life. Not saying that some circumstances aren't extremely tough, but I find that my own mind can be my worst enemy especially at difficult times.

In other news, meditation was so so. I think it time for me to up up my time to 15 or 20 minutes. It's become easy for me to get into my flow, so I think it's time to start getting it on with Buddha.

Highs:
- got up early and got shit done
- took a mid-day nap, my fav
- going to hang out with some fun friends tonight
- feeling really creative/motivated about many things in life right now

Laters!

Thoughts: Week One

2011-01-07T18:04:00.000-05:00

I realize it hasn’t been a full week, but I do what I want so, deal. I have now meditated for 5 days consecutively. And yes, I meditated already today. Go me. I have only exercised once, but I think I can squeeze in the other two over the weekend.

I read a passage about meditating on taking and giving in Transform Your Life by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso. The temple I attend follows his teachings, so I bought this book under their recommendation. I find it readable, and the passages sited during temple are always appropriate. However, I haven't read any other Buddhism books, so I'm still forming an opinion.

The reading was basically about how we can use our breath during mediation to imagine taking in all other creature's suffering and breathing back out enlightenment, thus freeing everyone from pain and suffering, one breath at a time. He mentions how many people choose to focus only on their breath while meditating, but if we focus on freeing others from suffering we can do some good too. If we can do this during meditation we can then start to do it as habit during our daily activities.

What I gleaned from all of this was; it's just good practice to put positive energy out into the universe. I found this passage oddly appropriate as yesterday was a day where I found myself a counselor (of sorts) to a few people who were having a tough time with things beyond their control. I went into my meditation last night with this in mind and I was pretty pleased with the results. At first I was confused because I was thinking, "wait, how am I supposed to be thinking about fixing other people's problems when the whole point of mediation is not to think?"

Then I just kept focusing on my breadth and somehow I was just "being" (oh I know that sounds really cliche and unbelievable, but stick with me). I was simultaneously taking in that negative energy and breathing back out positive energy, but not really thinking about it, just doing it. I'm not really sure how it happened and once I became aware it was happening it was hard to keep it because then I was all "I'm totally doing this, oh shit, well I'm not anymore".

All I can really say is that it started with specific thoughts of people who(m) I know are suffering, but that was all transcended fairly quickly. It was rad man. Needless to say, I was so impressed with myself that I got up this morning and was like, "I'm doing that shit again". So, I focussed on the same meditation this morning and it was nice as well.

I couldn't believe how ready for the day I felt. I felt like I do when I get up and go to a pilates class before work, except I had only been awake for 15 minutes. Incredible. All in all it's been a great week. Thanks for reading. Hope you have gained something from all of this.

Here are highs:

- it's Friday

- it snowed some big chunky flakes this morning

- I placed some exciting internet orders today

- I'm feeling really positive about the direction our office is headed

- my friend's kid is hanging out with me tonight. funny phrases are guaranteed.

Laters!

Hmmmfff

2011-01-06T22:24:00.000-05:00

Work isn't killing me or anything, but over the break I became accustomed to a certain amount of alone time and now that everyone has emerged from the holidays it's a lot to take. I've got information and social obligations flying at me from all directions. Just feeling a little...disoriented.

Meditating last night was utterly useless, was too tired. Thoughts were bouncing all over the place and I was convinced that 10 minutes was an impossible amount of time to sit still. Really need to start getting up earlier.

Here are the highs:
- spent some quality time with my new boss, she's really cool
- had some time to work on a personal edit
- had strong sense that my career was moving forward

That's it for now. I've got a few non-routine posts coming up, so stay tuned.

Laters!

Day Three

2011-01-06T10:58:00.000-05:00

Blogger wasn’t working last night, but here is my day three post I wrote last night and am posting now:

Finally got in some exercise this evening. Took my pup on a run around the neighborhood. Felt good to get out plus my dog has been going out of his mind with boredom due to all the long walk inhibiting weather and me not moving from the couch for two days. Tuesday night he actually sat on the couch beside me and just started barking right at my face...

Anywho, we ran for 20 or so minutes stopping for poo breaks of course (him not me). I had plans to do some push ups and a nice stretch, but the run didn’t tire our Henry as much as I had hoped and he was still all up in my junk, so I got right in the shower instead.

Meditation went well on Tuesday with the exception of Henry peeing on the floor at the end (yes my puppy runs my life, I’m told this will ease up in another year or so, not sure if that’s supposed to be comforting or not...). Tonight (Wednesday) I will be meditating while he’s in the crate, which I should have been doing all along, but I am a person who runs while suffering the long lasting effects of food poisoning (think irritable bowels people). I would go into more detail about the meditating, but I’m still working that out as I want to stray away from reflecting on meditating while meditating, just so I can write about it because that wouldn’t really be an effective mediation now would it? Not sure that sentence made sense, but I’m tired and if you’ve ever mediated maybe it did? I’ll explain this in more detail in a future post.

My day as a whole was quite stressfull. We are nearly always understaffed at work and that leads to a lot of anxiety and miscommunication, so now I’m feeling like I dropped the ball on something, which can once again can be blamed on me not being attached enough to my email/ not having email on my phone. I really need to remedy this, but I just don’t like the idea of my cell phone bill doubling AND being that reachable all the time. But if it’s going to make me better at my job I guess I should reconsider. I am the ONLY person in my office who does not have a smart phone.

I’m really tired so I’m going to give you my highs and then get out of here:
- exercised, YAY!
- my roommate cleaned the living room and did all my sick person dishes
- Whole Foods had Brown Cow yogurt on sale (you need to try this yogurt)
- my boss high-fived me today

Laters!

On the Highs

2011-01-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

Random image that came up when I googled "high". I do love those mermaids though :)

The daily highs are one of the most exciting parts of this project for me because they are a simple thing that can make a big difference. If you are unfamiliar "highs" come from the game "High/Low" which is where you simply go around the room stating your high and your low of the day. Not sure where I learned this game, but we started playing it at lunch in high school and our personal rule was you could name as many highs as you wanted, but could only name one low. I liked the idea so much that on a senior trip to Florida I bought a notebook at a Rain Forest Cafe Gift Shop and decided to make it my High Notebook. Whenever I would have a particularly bad day I would make a new entry in the notebook and list off as many good things as I could about that day. I would not list the lows. The thought behind this was that I would be able to look back at any given date and not even remember what made that day so bad. I continued with the notebook up through freshman year of college when I handed it off to my roommate who was going through a serious breakup. She used it for a while and handed it off to her friend. I have no idea what happened to the high book, but I really like the idea of it still floating around full of positive energy but motivated by negative energy. A literal example of how things we experience as negative don't have to have negative consequences.

For this project I will be posting daily highs and maybe a low or two, just to discuss how I've handled them. I'd love it if you'd like to participate in the comments section. And I'm also entertaining the idea of creating some new High Books to send out into the ether.

Still Taking it Slowly

2011-01-04T21:42:00.000-05:00

I am still siiiiick. I made it to work today, but it was not fun. I almost got up and meditated before work, but I opted to try and eat something instead as sort of an insurance policy that I wouldn't be getting sick on the train (which has happened before). The day was fortunately busy enough to keep me mostly distracted from how I felt and not SO busy that I regretted showing up. It was actually nice to get back into my routine.

Meditating last night was incredibly difficult. I thought I had the perfect opportunity because my stomach wasn't feeling too badly and my pup was calmly lying on the floor. Of course the second I sat up he was all "what's going on? are you you going somewhere? should I be interested?" I stubbornly thought to myself, "well any real meditating-type-person can overcome an anxious dog for 10 measly minutes", so I decided to just get right to it and let him wonder around the house. WELL. At first I was distracted by the clacking of his toenails on the floor and then I was just concerned when I didn't hear anything at all. And when I finally opened my eyes he was up on my coffee table licking a half eaten PB&J... At that point there was one minute left, so I just closed my eyes and waited for my cell phone alarm to go off.

So yeah, not very successful. However, there were a few brief moments where I was able to slip into a relaxed trance and abandon other thoughts, so successful in the eyes of the Buddhist faith (this is important to remember if you are just starting off folks; if you can let your mind go for just one moment, you have successfully mediated, YAY). I am actually quite proud of this considering I haven't meditated outside of Yoga class in at least 4 months. Just like with most things in life, lack of practice makes meditating more difficult and less fulfilling. Personally, I find studying Buddhism in conjunction with meditating the most successful, which is why I'm excited to get back to my readings and temple attending-ness. For me, it provides some guidance and focus. Once I start up my readings, I may start assigning a weekly theme to my meditation sessions. We shall see.

Here are my highs as promised, and once again, I will be meditating later this evening *Sigh*:
- The new guy at work seems pretty cool
- I didn't get annoyed enough to raise my stress level today (this is HARD in NY)
- left work on time
- worked harder than I had to

Laters!

Rough Start

2011-01-03T22:01:00.000-05:00

Today did not go remotely as planned. Yesterday after returning from brunch and a movie I became incredibly sick. I'm pretty sure it's food poisoning which is my least favorite kind of poisoning(I prefer psychedelic mushroom poisoning). I wasn't able to make it to work today and am still feeling not so great. Obviously, I did not make it to the gym as planned. I plan to meditate tonight which should be interesting since I can barely sit up and have never meditated while physically ill. I will do it though because this project is meant to be challenging and in a weird way I like that the universe has thrown me this curve ball.

So here are my highs for the day(and I will let you know how the "meditating" goes):
- unexpected extension of Christmas vaycay
- many offers from excellent people to come care for me/bring me foods
- Bachelor premiere (it's no Rock of Love, but hey I'm siiiick)
- I didn't throw up today
- lots of naps

Laters!

New Year

2011-01-01T16:15:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year everyone! My project officially starts on Monday, and I'm going to get right in there by waking up around 6am and going to a gym class called "Trippin'". Apparently it's a mixture of jump rope, sprints, weight lifting, etc. God I'm a sucker for trendy gym classes. But seriously, I find it much easier to get up early for a scheduled class than some loosely planned workout of my own. Working out in a group with an instructor is a lot more effective when you're half awake/grouchy.

As far as my daily mediation goes, I'm not sure if I'm going to do that before or after the gym... probably after. Before means getting up earlier than 6 which will definitely not happen.

On another note, I'm spending the first day of the year on my couch with my dog watching the British Skins on Netflix. I'm still not sure if I am a fan, but there's enough weird shit going on to keep me watching for now. I have a feeling that the MTV version won't be nearly as funny. Anyways, enjoy your day, I hope you all have the luxury of being as lazy as you aspire to be (if that's what you aspire to).

Let's Do This

2010-12-21T20:57:00.000-05:00

My mission/project/New Year's resolution is to use this blog to explore/fully commit myself to a more peaceful state of mind through the practice and study of Buddhism along with some other ingredients that may or may not correlate, but I find personally effective. Yes.

I will begin on Monday January 3rd (my weeks start on Monday bitches) by attempting to put into practice the goals below. I will be delving into my own history, as well as, the origins of Buddhism, other religions, Yoga, and whatever I deem interesting an somewhat relevant to this blog. All of my motivations will be explained to the best of my ability in the coming posts. Feel free to ask questions and I will answer them as honestly as possible.

Goals

- Meditate everyday (for at least 10 minutes and work up)

- Gym/Exercise at least 3 days a week

- Give something nice to someone in my life (small gift or letter) once a month

- Go to Temple once a month

- Complete a Buddhist reading weekly

- Daily high postings

These are the minimum requirements I've set for myself. I may be adding or altering them along the way, but I have chosen these as my pillars. They feel achievable yet daunting. The truth is I don't have a lot of personal time, so accomplishing these goals is going to require the sacrifice of sleep (among other things). Ideally I will be getting up earlier, in reality, I will probably be staying up later. Either way, I really hope I can pull this off.

Wish me luck :)

My New Project

2010-12-10T10:13:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone.

I have some plans for 2011. I'm going to lay them out for you soon, but for now let's just keep it simple and say that this blog is taking a new direction (or just A direction because it never really had one, which is probably part of the reason for its initial failure).

I'm leaving the old posts up because I don't really want to delete them forever and I can't figure out how to "unpublish" a post without deleting it. Read them if you want. Some are mildly entertaining and some are just...embarrassing. I was in a weird place. I was depressed, at a job I hated, and had just discovered how wonderfully distracting blog browsing can be. I was also trying desperately to define myself and shit, which now seems silly because it looks as though I tried to do it by creating a blog based on everyone else's blogs...

BUT, now it's a year (or two) later and I've got something I'd like to explore. And habits I want to implement into my daily routine (as well as habits I'd like to free myself from). They are practices I've already experimented with sporadically over the past year (and have seen immediate results) yet, I haven't been able to continue them long enough to truly change my quality of life. Does that make sense? It will...I hope. Are you excited? I am.

See you soon.

Life After Facebook

2009-07-31T14:12:00.000-04:00

Tuesday July 28, 2009. That was the day I broke-up with Facebook. I'd been thinking about it for while, would I miss him? Was I willing to give him up forever? Were there other kinder, more affectionate social networks out there? Was I even the kind of girl who could have a social network? Maybe I could be one of those people who fill their lives with a bunch of email accounts.

When I finally decided to do it, he didn't make it easy. The first time I tried to tell him, he showed me all of my pictures with friends and said, "Momo will miss you, Misono will miss you, Jenna will miss you". When I ignored him he started to ask why. Was it because we spent too much time together? Was it because he didn't make me feel safe? I knew it wouldn't help to answer, so I said the only words that came to mind, "this isn't working out."

When he finally realized that I couldn't be swayed he conceded, but not without letting me know that he'd be there waiting for me. If I ever wanted to come back, all my friends and settings would be right there where I'd left them. We could pick up and forget the whole thing ever happened. If I wanted, we could still be friends and he would just send me emails letting me know if our mutual friends were having a party or something. I told him not to bother.

"What's done is done, let's not make this any more painful than it has to be", I pleaded.

A few hours later I thought it was all over, but then I checked my email and he had already emailed me to remind me of what I'd done. I felt terrible, but I knew I had made the right decision. The truth is, Facebook wasn't making me happy and hadn't been for a while. I found myself hanging out with him simply out of habit. I felt trapped, I wanted to be out in the world talking to people that I actually cared about. Instead, I was looking at wedding pictures of people I didn't even talk to when we lived in the same town. Also, the mystery was gone, I knew what everyone was doing all of the time and it turns out, most people are pretty boring. I also found out he was doing things behind my back and I felt like he wasn't the same person anymore.

Maybe I'll have regrets in the future, only time will tell, but for now I feel as free as a bird. I'm hoping to put all my extra time and energy into productive activities and keeping in touch with those who are in my life beyond Facebook. More importantly, I did this for myself and pass no judgement on those who enjoy Facebook. It just wasn't beneficial for me any longer.

Creep at My Party

2009-07-08T16:02:00.001-04:00

Last Saturday, my friend Heather and I held out 4th annual underwear party. Throughout the course of the night a few random people wandered in. For the most part, the random peeps were pretty cool, but when it came time to leave one guy really wanted to stick around. I'm pretty sure he asked every girl at the party if he could go home with her and at one point I caught him laying in my roommate's bed.

Finally after everyone else had left, I got him half way out the door and this conversation ensued:

Creeper: Can I stay wit u?

Me: No sorry, I already have a lot of people staying at my place

Creeper: Aww, just give me a kiss

Me: ok *quick peck* (keep in mind I was drunk and somehow thought fulfilling his request would help the situation)

Creeper: Goodnight baby

Me: Bye

Creeper: Come on just touch it *grabs his junk*

Me: *shuts door*

First draft?

2009-06-25T17:50:00.000-04:00

I wrote this today. I'm not sure it's finished and I'm not sure it's any good, but it expresses some things I need to get out and I feel better after writing it.

Elephant

On the first day she wore her favorite white pants. Perfection

for a day in June.

Intrigued,

the boy.

Taken even. Thoroughly,

taken.

Still he wanted,

still she wished.

Inevitably, yes!

Predictably, fail.

And then you ask me,

what kind of girl

does such a thing?

Can you say, new profile pic?

2009-06-05T15:10:00.000-04:00

Yesterday after work I met up with Paul and Rugby Ryan (as some of you know him) at Paul's hotel on the LES. It was pretty sweet, so Ryan and I decided to do a little photo shoot while Paul got ready. You see, Ryan has been in search of the perfect facebook profile picture, something that says, "I'm fun and sensitive, but also maddeningly delicious." And well, I think we've got a few contenders. Thoughts?

When I suggested he take his shirt off his exact words were, "I was just about to."

Paul NOT McDonald

2009-06-03T14:32:00.001-04:00

My friend Paul DARNELL is coming to town today! He's a stuntman in LA and has worked on movies such as You Don't Mess with the Zohan, The Changeling, Race to Witch Mountain, and Twilight. He's a pretty big deal. I mean, look at him. In fact, he's such a big deal that Rob Pattinson thanked him publicly the other night on the MTV movie awards.

So, why is Paul coming to New York? To work on another hit movie of course, a movie that happens to be a movie I've been anticipating for over a year, Step Up 3D. Yes, you read correctly, the step up series is back and coming to you in 3D. Hell. Yes. With any luck, this one will have even less plot and even more dancing.

But in all seriousness guys, the real reason I'm excited to see Paul is because last time Paul came to New York, we had more fun than I feel comfortable detailing on the internet (no not that kind of fun, I wasn't that lucky).

Anyway, rest assured, I will be having a magical time for the next few days. Cheers.

Gummy Bear Brains

2009-06-01T18:23:00.001-04:00

My coworker has been working on a little project. He got the idea from the internet and decided to take it to the next level. These are the results:

Gummy with oozing brain.

Frankenstein/Zombie brain.

Gotta have heart.

This one was my idea...

Terminator. For this one we broke out the soldering iron.

Summer Movies!

2009-05-27T16:59:00.000-04:00

Me to coworker: Are you more excited about Half Blood Prince or Up?

Coworker: My dog's name is Hagrid.

Personally I'm still on the fence, but it's good to know where others stand.

Creep with a Hose

2009-05-26T12:21:00.000-04:00

I've been utterly exhausted for the past week. Maybe it's all the bike riding, or all the sun, but I think it's mostly all the stress. The summer is usually more laid back at my place of employment, but not this year. We've taken on job after job and as a result I think everyone is feeling the pending burn-out. Not that this is a bad thing, I'm totally grateful to be working a lot when the alternative is the exact opposite for much of the world right now.

However, all this work made me too tired to do much of anything this weekend, so I spent my memorial day washing dishes, cleaning my room, and taking a long walk across BK to one of my favorite spots, the Vietnamese sandwich shop. I got myself a "spicy classic" and a strawberry bubble tea. Now, usually I'm not big on the bubble tea (I find it a little to sweet and milky), but this strawberry one is much more tea-like and actually has real strawberry chunks in it. AMAZING on a warm summer day.

As I have learned over my two years in the city, no walk would be complete without comments from some creep and this one was without exception...

As I was literally half a block away from my house, I saw a young man washing his car. I admit, I was eyeing his hose, but that was ONLY because I was thinking, "I could wash my bike off with that".

Silly, silly me to let me guard down and give him the opportunity to talk to me.

Creep: Can I "something inaudible"?

Me: What?

Creep: Can I have some of you? Can I taste you girl?

Me: No.

At least he was polite enough to ask first.

Genius!

2009-05-15T11:57:00.000-04:00

I met this guy in Union Square last weekend and thought I should share. He makes sock puppet portraits, which I find hilarious. I bought a very expressive one of Charles Dickens. He is now sitting on my desk at work inspiring me to make it through the week so I can go back to Union Square and buy more.

Four One Six

2009-04-16T17:39:00.000-04:00

If any of you are unaware, I went to Virginia Tech and I was on campus two years ago today when a disturbed(to say the least) student killed thirty-two people and then him self.

I still can't quite figure out how I feel about the events and the two years afterwards, but I felt I should contribute something other than the "We. Are. Virginia. Tech." currently occupying my Facebook status. It goes without saying that this anniversary deserves more that four words on a social network page. So here goes.

From the first seconds of the day I felt that something was off. I remember on my walk to work I kept looking at the date on my watch and thinking I had forgotten someone's birthday or a deadline I had at work.

Later, when I stood at the window watching the police surround Norris, I had no clue what I was witnessing. Even when I went home and continued to watch events unfold on CNN, everything remained surreal. The television allowed for a certain amount of distance, it was like watching any other new event; you feel sad for the people on the TV, but your life is not directly affected.

For me it didn't solidify until that evening when I went to the vigil. As I stood in the crowd of people singing Amazing Grace I felt like I was just playing a part. All of it so familiar from similar scenes in movies and newscasts. It wasn't until I heard from the back of the crowd, "Let's go...!" and then everyone(myself included) responding, "Hokies!" that my heart sank and I began to cry. From there it just got worse. At about 10pm I received an email saying that my friend and co-worker Jaime was on of the victims. I had spent all day trying to think of everyone I knew who might have been in that building and Jaime was the one who never crossed my mind. Sometimes I still feel like if I had simply remembered to think of him, maybe he would still be alive.

I realize that many of my words are cliche and its frustrating to not be able to fully express or understand the many emotions that are breed from an occasion such as this. But this is my offering, more for myself than for anyone reading, but it's here none the less.

So, two years later here I am. I will go to a vigil tonight at Madision Square Park and stand with my fellow Hokies and remember. And that's all I want from everyone else. Please acknowledge this day. If you know a Hokie or see one on the street take five seconds to tell them that you haven't forgotten.

To all of my friends and especially those whom I met at Tech, I love you and wouldn't trade my time there for anything in the world.

Sunday in the Park

2009-04-06T12:52:00.000-04:00

The weather is finally starting to clean up its act here in the city and Sunday was an exceptionally nice day. After biking to the gym and then getting my favorite vietnamese sandwich at Hanco's in Carol Gardens, I head to Union Square to hang out with my friend Virginia and her family. When it came time to get back on the bike and head home, Virginia broke the new to my girl Georgia (her 3 year old daughter) and Georgia's response was to stare at me with those huge olive-colored eyes and say, "Do you want to come to our new apartment and then go home?"

I responded that I had to work the next day so I couldn't to which she replied, "No you don't."

I wish that was the case, Georgia, but seeing as I do not want to be homeless, I sadly did have to go to work today. But the good news is, I know what it feels like for someone to want your company so badly that they say so. I love that kid.

The Extra Man Set

2009-03-20T17:39:00.001-04:00

Right outside of my office the movie, The Extra Man was being filmed, so we went on down to check it out.

And who did we see but John C. Reilly...

AND Paul Dano (to the right of the camera head turned)...

AND Kevin Kline(below the boom mic)!

Excellent celebrity sighting.

This is the set guy whose expression tells you how he felt about Colin yelling out, "Steve Brule, we love you!" Totally worth it though because John C. Reilly gave us a little love back by flashing us the rock sign in return. Rock on John, rock on.

Nice Use of Modern Technology

2009-03-19T11:24:00.000-04:00

I saw this on Wired.com and thought I would share. Instances like these make me really happy we have the internet and services like flickr. Otherwise this exhibit would only be seen by those who have the time, money, and are in proximity to the museum where they are kept.

WARNING: a couple of these photos are not for those with weak stomachs.

Just the Tip

2009-03-14T19:36:00.000-04:00

For all my sexually frustrated friends out there, just know, you could be this turtle. Suggestions for the sound the turtle makes include, but are not limited to:

- a ring tone
- mystery sound contest on a local radio station
- remix with a Britney Spears song

For Erin

2009-03-10T14:00:00.000-04:00

This is why I want a night cap. Also, this video is sweet and so is the blog itself.

Has anyone else ever done this?

2009-03-04T13:32:00.000-05:00

Bones by The Killers is much more entertaining if when it gets to the refrain and says,

"Don't you want to come with me? Don't you want to feel my bones, on your bones? It's only natural. Don't you want to swim with me? Don't you want to feel my skin? On your skin? It's only natural."

You instead sing, "don't you want to feel me skin? My FOREskin?"

It's only natural guys.

Getting Excited!

2009-02-26T12:23:00.000-05:00

This is the view from where I will be staying when I go to Spain in April.

Dear Mr. Smith

2009-02-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

My love for you grows daily.

You make me pound on my key board- desperate to be a pro.

Will your essence please radiate from the space between my fingers and these keys?

No!

I want to dance!

I can't do that either.

When first we met, I admit my love for you was shallow. Attracted by your tragic death and melancholy words, a "sad panda" like me needed a wretch like you.

do do

dooooooo.

Then! Your catchy melodies and sound from an era familiar yet before me brought new appreciation and we became friends- the best of them.

I put your songs on my iPod and overdosed.

Now a middle schooler with an object of affection- every letter signed: XOXOXO

But you remained unknown to me. Each album landed in my brain one by one

building a home,

with a basement,

on a hill.

Other outlets satisfy my yearnings from time to time, but you always find me and understand that the lesser things in life are necessary for the identification of that which is grand. And Elliott, our love is grand.

Admittedly, I don't know your works in whole. Pieces that others have fearlessly ravaged remain alien to me. The missing bits will approach me in time. I don't go looking. Is that not the curse of any desperate lover?

I have more than I need for now. Any part of you is more than I hope for in another.

Besides,

I am in no rush.

Your life may be over, but mine is ideally

the inverse.

I will never claim to be your biggest fan, nor the first to profess my love.

All I wish to say dear is this:

Something from you calls to me,

begs me to push out everything from within.

To write my stories, to tell my tale.

No mater how somber,

no matter how irrationally hopeful,

no matter how naive,

no matter how ultimately disappointing

and,

incomplete,

it can still be:

beautiful

satisfying

inspiring

More than that. It will finally be

outside

me.

A Film You May Not Have Heard Of

2009-02-19T15:37:00.000-05:00

Movies are a constant in my life. I love going to the theater and will rarely turn down an invitation. Snakes on a Plane? I was there opening night bitches. Living in New York has oly increased my love for actual theaters because the audiences here are great. Doesn't matter what you see, people fill the seats AND know who the director is.

However, several factors over the past year have caused me to not go as frequently as I normally do. Factors, most of you can relate to such as; money, time, and no one to make out with if the movie stinks. Also, the writer's strike last year didn't exactly make for the best Oscar season. My point is, I've become increasingly picky about what I see in the theater and what can wait for Netflix.

I have a feeling there are others out there in my position, so I wanted to share with you a film called Let the Right One In. Yes, it's about vampires, and yes it contains a lot of vampire movie cliches but it's not your typical twilight type movie, so don't be deterred. To me it felt more like an old-school thriller from the seventies. Some parts are cheesy as hell, but I promise you, you'll be into(at one point I actually pointed at the screen).

All I'm saying is, if you've already seen Slumdog Millionaire and you're looking for something fun and satisfying, check it out. If you insist on being stuck up, then maybe you should go check out Frost/Nixon. And please, let me know how it is because I don't know a single person who's seen it.

For those of us who live in the Hood

2009-02-13T15:41:00.000-05:00

Check this out.

Busted

2009-02-09T11:13:00.000-05:00

Me: So I was thinking about reading the John Updike Rabbit series

Jen: I've read those, you would like them

Me: They seem interesting, I heard he described the main character as the town itself

Jen: And you love your middle class disillusionment

For the New Yorker in You

2009-02-03T13:06:00.001-05:00

Two in one day. I know, I'm just to much. Somebody stop me.

I wanted to share this link my friend Virginia sent me. It's proof that once you've spent some time in the city, New York is everywhere.

THIS is why I'm fat.

2009-02-03T11:56:00.000-05:00

I keep getting this spam with the subject line: Kathleen, THIS is why you're fat - Please don't be disgusted though, it's NOT your fault." The body of the email goes like this:

Hi Kathleen,

My name is Suzanne, and I'm a real doctor that would like to show you why
you may be "fat" and why you're unable to lose weight no matter how hard you
try.

First off, please always know that it's not your fault...I would like to
show you the disgusting truth right now as to what is keeping you fat!

Press here to see the disgusting truth that is keeping you from losing fat:
http://liveitemization.info/truth

After you see what the problem is, I will then show you how easy it is to
finally lose the fat that you want to lose.

Thank you!

Dr. Suzanne

How many times in one email can you use the word disgusting? At lest three. And I still don't know why I'm fat. *sigh*