Monday, May 23, 2011

I'm angry, grrr

Happy Monday folks! I have have meditated every day since I last checked in with the exception of last night. Yesterday was a tough day for me. A time when I should have meditated, but just didn't.

Since my last post, I did manage to increase my reading time and I was feeling like I was finally starting to hit my stride in regards to dealing with the bf being out of town and for the most part unavailable to me. I did a lot of reading on anger and discovered that was my main issue. I was so angry just because I had to be in a situation I didn't want to be in; my boyfriend being half way across the world. I realized that I just needed to practice patience and everything would be fine. I also realized that waiting around for him to chat me and checking the internet every two seconds was just making me more angry because his availability was totally out of my control. I made a conscious decision to be less attached to the computer/phone and I was feeling better. I was feeling a lot more accepting of our situation. I was feeling like I could handle it.

And then Saturday happened. My boyfriend was having a more difficult time dealing with things than I was. I tried so hard not to get angry and I think I did a decent job of being there for him, but it was so frustrating to feel guilty for having a rational mindset.

By Sunday morning I totally gave into all the negative thoughts and just sat around feeling sorry for myself all day. I can't blame my boyfriend for this (although it would be easy to do so) because I allowed his actions and irrational thoughts to affect me in this way. Today was better, but ultimately I'm still feeling weak minded and I'm concerned about facing his next trip, which will be even longer.

For now I'm going to try to focus on the positive (he's back for a bit on Wednesday) and continue to dissect my anger, which I can hopefully learn to combat with patience.

I'd like to discuss the anger reading I've been doing more in depth and less in the context of my specific situation soon. I will try my best to share a post with you this week.


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Yup..Still Distracted

My meditations still aren't going well. I'm totally unfocused. I'm going to make an effort to do more Buddhist readings because I'm feeling distanced from my practice at the moment. I'm still going through the motions, but I'm not getting much out of it, so in my opinion, this means I need to increase my efforts. It kind of stinks that I can't do a Yoga class right now due to the foot, but perhaps I can do a few poses from home?

I'd also really like to get back to the meditation center this weekend, but I may be working on Sunday, which unfortunately takes that decision out of my hands.

Hope everyone else is having a great week. Sorry if I sound like a downer. I promise I'm fine, I'm just having a really hard time staying mindful lately.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

So Distracted

I've been incredibly anxious every other dayish since my boyfriend left town about two weeks ago. I'm causing a lot of suffering (mostly for myself) because I'm having a really hard time accepting that my boyfriend is out traveling the world and I am here in New York, continuing my normal routine. My life is by no means bad and there are a lot of things I'm really enjoying now that the weather has perked up. However, compared to being in a different country every day and having countless new experiences, my life seems pretty dull. When he asks me what's new, I feel incredibly overwhelmed because there's nothing I can say that's going to even compare to whatever he's been up to.  

It's also frustrating to miss someone and believe that the only thing that's going to make you feel better is to be with that person. In my head I'm really happy that he's traveling and so much about what he's doing makes me care for him even more, but I have days where I don't care about him "bettering himself" and I just want him to be here with me. It's incredibly selfish, I know, and no one ever died from missing someone (well, that dog in Where the Red Fern Grows), but I'm kind of sucking at not moping. 

My meditations are becoming times for my mind to wonder. I'm trying really hard to stay focused and to mentally prepare myself for the next week and a half (before he comes back and then leaves for another two months). The only thing I can do right now is stay as calm as possible and try not take out my self-cherishing on anyone else.

Hopefully this week will be better. 


Saturday, May 14, 2011

Why it's important to observe your own behavior

The other day, a coworker and I ordered dinner from the office. While I was ordering, the coworker asked me to add a seaweed salad to his order. I did and then when the food came, we ate, it was delicious. However, when I went to through my take out containers away, I noticed that my coworker had barely touched his seaweed salad.

For at least a good 5 seconds I was personally offended by this. I had ordered that seaweed salad for him and he just threw it away?! Luckily, I caught myself and was like, "Wait a second, why am I taking this so personally? I had nothing to do with that seaweed salad. Why should I be offended if he didn't like it? Plus, maybe he was just full."

This is a great example of why being mindful can be so beneficial. The more I thought about this what happened, the more I realized, I do this all the time. People have told me before that I take things too personally and I sometimes agree, but after this incident with the seaweed salad, I think they may have been right, let's say, I dunno... a 100% of the time?

The smallest interactions can shed light on some of our most deeply ingrained habits. Stay mindful folks, it helps.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011


Today was a difficult day for all sorts of silly reasons. I woke up really late and then wasted a good amount of time trying to find an outfit that goes with my aircast. RANT: Nothing goes with an aircast except maybe another aircast or a robot or a Storm Trooper costume. Yeah, my foot has a stress fracture. Did I do anything to it, not really, but I did ignore it for longer than I should have and ran on it when it was clearly swollen. And oh yeah, I choose to wear sandals all day at Disney World because yes, I would rather have a broken foot than wear running sneakers with jean shorts. Anywho live and learn, because now I get to wear one sneaker and one robo-boot for 3 weeks minimum. Can anyone say, yay for health insurance?!

Ok, moving on. I was very late for work as in 40 minutes late, so I could say the tardiness set me off on the wrong foot, but really I just didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning. I had one of those days where I felt down about any minor setback. When I got home I almost felt too overwhelmed to do anything, but I put on some music and cleaned my closet instead. I originally wanted to meditate, but I had to accept that my dog was really excited to see me and trying to meditate right then would have only caused me to become very irritated with my dog. I consider it positive that I was able to see this in advance and accept that I could not "fix" my mood right then.

I later did a breathing meditation for fifteen minutes and it was helpful, but not as focused as I would have preferred. Hopefully tomorrows will be better.


Monday, May 9, 2011

An Interesting Week

I'm not sure how to verbalize my thoughts and feelings about this past week. I've been feeling a lot of emotion, but my mindset has remained unexpectedly peaceful.

I've thought a lot about loss and how it is generally experienced as a negative emotion. We try to make sense of loss by putting a positive spin on it. When someone dies we say things like "at least they aren't suffering anymore" and "they are in a better place". When we lose a partner or close friend we say "we're better off not in each other's lives" or "they weren't so great anyway". However, I think most would agree, we still suffer. I'm not sure if something in me has fundamentally changed, but I feel a lot more at peace with loss in general.

What I mean is, when I think of those I have lost I still feel "loss", but I can accept it as simply a part of life no different than any other aspect of life.

Loss is OK and holding onto that sad feeling we know as loss doesn't help anyone. Prolonged suffering does not give the lost person/relationship/item more meaning and letting these emotions go does not mean you never cared.

I wish I could explain myself better, but all I can really say is the death of Bin Laden and all the various reactions, juxtaposed with events in my own life (that have renewed emotions of personal loss), have me reflecting on all of the above.

For those who are curious, my meditations have been an average of 3 or so times a week over the past three weeks. I remain mindful and plan to get back to daily meditation and posting this week.